You are hopeless! Why don't you get married?

The only highlight of the day was that nothing happened and the World Cup started (yaaaawwwn!! whatever!). Apart from that, had a sudden stroke of brilliance and came up with this:

Stay behind me, my shadow,
For you darken my road ahead
Walk with me, my conjoined twin
There's a lot to be heard and said

You surrounded me in times of light
There were many more of you
But where were you when the nights were longer
When I really needed you.

Pretty painful right? Ya I know! Lets lighten up the air a bit tonight.

I read this somewhere quite a long time back. Its about the sad story of man and his contorted connection with the word "Bachelor". He goes through a painful journey to attain bachelorhood (his bachelor's degree) only to realize that he has to now go through an even more difficult path of losing his bachelorhood (his bachelor status). The daft bloke had no idea that his days of joy after attaining his bachelors would be so short lived. Yours truly is currently in the phase of attempting to lose his bachelorhood or should I say, is being forced into giving it up under very unfavourable circumstances.

The process began almost two and a half years ago and has gone through various levels of foul attempts and phases. My parents have attempted sweet talking, logic, external influence, anger, brainwashing, emotional blackmail and various different techniques to get me married off. There have been times of heightened activity (bride search - conducted by dad, assisted by mom), gaps of dormancy (reverse psychology applied here) and phases of stealth search (I was unaware of it happening).

I have tried all evil ways to avoid the subject and at times have deliberately jeopardized their evil plans. There was a time when I rejected using a certain sequence. My dad would show me photos and I would be like "no, na na not possible, not this please, she is so not what she says, i don't like her, i'd rather die, are you crazy?, no, na na not possible..." and the loop continued. Soon my Dad found out about my sequence and generally attempted a method of "clearing my false aspirations and hopes about my future partner". In short, "Izzat-ka-kachda" happened.

While my Dad has been trying a direct approach of scaring the shit out of me and making me give in (a procedure often followed by the police on criminals), my Mom has been far less conspicuous about the whole thing. She is more of the subtle type which makes her all the more dangerous. I have absolutely no idea how but she somehow manages to connect every possible subject to my marriage. A few examples would clarify the situation:

Me: You know mom, I was thinking of buying a dog.
Mom: And who is going to take care of it? Get married first and then your wife can take care of it. We will not say no.

Mom: Help me out in the kitchen
Me: Are you crazy? Do you know how much time you'll spend undoing the things I do and then redoing them?
Mom: I wish I had a daughter. She would be more helpful and understanding than you are. And you won't even marry x-( ! Atleast I would have then understood how it would be to have a daughter. :(
Me: Huh!? (In my mind - How the hell did the conversation lead here?)

Mom: Your Dad is the biggest pain in my life. 
Me: Huh? What happened?
Mom: How am I to get any work done if he keeps asking for tea every hour?
Me: Aren't you habituated after 29 years of marraige?
Mom: How long am I supposed to keep doing this? And you won't even marry x-( ! Your wife could have helped me a bit. You are absolutely useless and may I add, hopeless!
Me: (Blank look on my face and wondering what the "F" just happened) What?
Dad: (Walks in cluelessly) What happened? What's the problem?
Me: (turning to dad) Grrrrr....


Mom: There is good news
Me: Really? what?
Mom: X's son Y is getting married to Z. Y found Z on his own. X was a little hesitant in the beginning but at the end it is Y and Z who will spend their lives together. We are attending on (a particular date). Don't plan anything else.
Me: Ok
Mom: Why don't you try something similar? "Internet mein nahi milti kya?" They met on some site.
Me: "Haan milti hai na, Rs 50 per kilo, lau kya?"
Mom: Shut up! You can't even find a girl for yourself. Absolutely hopeless. Why don't you get married?


So that's how most of my talks with mom happens nowadays. There are a million more examples but they all end the same way, "You are hopeless. Why don't you get married?" Such is the sorry life I am leading.

So, my future wife, if you are reading this, please come out from wherever it is you are hiding. Lets just get this misery done with. I am sure you're story is somewhat similar too.