Heaven, Hell or Me?

Had quite a day today. Finally mustered up the courage and did what I had to do. Round 1 is complete. Tomorrow, I figure, will be more interesting. Let's see how things go.

All my friend's who know me well generally know what level of a non-vegetarian I am. I am sort of a pure non-vegetarian. The common question which Chandrashekhar poses regularly when I open my lunch box is, "So who did you kill today?" So I am pretty well known in office for my food habits.

Had an interesting conversation today during lunch. The discussion had somehow reached the topic of how many chickens I had probably eaten in my life. Apparently, the numbers have reached such an astounding figure that, chickens, when dead, would either go to heaven, hell or Shubhayu. I have become the Third Front for dead chickens. A very interesting concept indeed. :) The idea that I could be actually delivering moksh to the numerous chickens is extremely amusing. I think all non-vegetarians should be proud of themselves for this. We could probably form a brotherhood of some sort. (I am sure I'll by lynched by PETA activists :P)

Silly lies

I think everyone has these silly lies that they say at times. Very silly actually. Thing is, work on our building expansion is on. It was decided that the electricity supply will be provided by the people of the floor in which the work is currently happening. Now one day the guys from the flat below, said that the point from which they were supplying power was not working and the wire wasn't big enough for another point. So they requested us to give. We thought it was a genuine problem and agreed. Soon we realized that every other day, something is wrong with their board and the workers come to us for power. So we finally refused to give anymore and said that let the work stop, we don't give a damn. Miraculously their board started working :)

That reminded me of these little lies I used to say as a kid. Seriously stupid and at the same time worthless lies. One of my favourite was, "Paani jutha hai. Nahi de sakta" :P Whenever someone asked me for water. I used to carry one of those Milton water bottles to school. I was quite young back then. The second was when I was older. Still in school but maybe class 8 - 9. I used to hate people sitting behind my cycle. My favourite excuse, "Peeche ke tire mein hawa kam hai. Mat baith warna fuut jayega" Heheheheh!! God knows what my problem was.

After growing up I think the best excuse to avoid anything is, "Sorry dude, can't make it. I am a little busy". I think Man started working just so that he could use it as an excuse to avoid going to places he doesn't want to, meeting people he just wants to stay away from and generally avoid anything he dislikes. :) Mobile is a source of EVIL!!! One can create such awesome lies using it :D
1. I am sorry. I can't hear you.
2. I was just about to call you.
3. Sorry my phone was in silent.
4. It was in another room.
5. My outgoing was barred (This used to be one of the best ones)


Disclaimer: I am not saying that these aren't genuine reasons. They are, but seriously don't you think you have used one of the above at least once to wiggle out of calling someone or avoid talking?? I know you did! Come on Don't Lie!

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

*This is a very long post

I used to really dislike going to my Dad's office parties. Partially because there were never anyone of my age and secondly I didn't understand the need for me to be there. Specially during my late teens, I used to detest going to these parties. Since my Dad worked as a Brew Master (he made beer), alcoholic beverages never fell short. Unfortunately, I don't drink and hence could never make use of this unlimited supply of beer.

During one of these boring parties (I think I was around 19 then), I had grabbed one of my favourite orange drinks and was generally looking for a quiet place to sit and waste my time away, when I came across a bunch of kids ranging from, I guess 8 to 14. They were kind enough to invite me to join the "bachcha party" and I gladly obliged, in spite of the fact, that I knew I would be soon bored out of my wits.

It was fun talking with the kids about school, books and cartoons. At times, it's fun to talk to kids. It reminds me how different our look towards life was then, how different our worries were. Worrying about homework, scheming excuses for uncompleted work, worrying about exams. These worries seem so inconsequential now and yet at their age, they were extremely genuine problems.

We were talking about classics they were being asked to read at school and how they found stories like Tom Sawyer, Robinson Crusoe and Count of Monte Cristo interesting while they found stories by Charles Dickens extremely boring and depressing. I was telling them about stories I liked as a kid, about Sherlock Holmes, Asterix and Tintin. Things were going pretty nice till I mentioned about "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde".

I had noticed that one of the kids was pretty quiet. He must have been around 14 - 15 I guess. He wasn't talking much, though he kept looking at me. Apart from the basic introduction, the only thing he had asked me was "Bhaiya, how come you are not drinking like the rest? Is it because your parents are here?"  I told him that I didn't like the taste of any of the drinks and that I didn't like the idea of losing control over myself. He just smiled and nodded. The next words I heard from him were "I don't like that story", when I mentioned Jekyll & Hyde. I asked him why but all he did was smile and and said, "I'll tell you later." I didn't push him about it and soon we started talking about other stuff.

I had left them and was talking to some of the management trainees of the company (they were a little closer to my age group) when I saw the kid walk up to me.

"You know why I don't like the story of Jekyll and Mr Hyde?"
"Nope. Why don't you like it?"
He whispers to me, "I know Dr. Jekyll."
I was taken by surprise, "What?"
"I know a guy who is like Dr Jekyll."He points to a guy and asks, "Do you know him?"
"Isnt he your Dad?"
"Yes! He is like Dr Jekyll!"

I didn't understand what he was getting at. I said, "I am sorry, I don't understand what you are trying to say."
We walked to an empty area and sat down and he started explaining.
"You know how in the story, Dr. Jekyll is a nice guy, but then when he drinks that potion he makes, he becomes Mr Hyde and does bad things?"
"Yes"
"My Dad is like that. He is a nice man but when he drinks he becomes like Mr. Hyde."

I was totally shocked. I had never looked at the story from that angle and suddenly it was crystal clear. The story was such a beautiful metaphor for alcoholism. A normal man, consumes alcohol and turns into a beast. What could be simpler?

He continued, "Whenever he drinks a lot, he changes in to this person I am really scared of. He becomes angry for no reason, his eye's become red, and he talks in a funny way. I don't like him when he gets drunk. He fights with mom and screams at her. At times he falls down and hurts himself. I don't like it when people laugh and make jokes about him behind his back when he is drunk. I don't like those uncles who makes him drink more".

I glanced at his Dad. I had met him numerous times but never knew that he had a drinking problem. He was a very nice and respected man. I had spoken to him numerous times. A very jolly, interesting person. I couldn't imagine him like the way the kid explained.
"How long has this been going on?"
"I don't know. Ever since I remember. Always I guess."
"Haven't you spoken to him?"
"I don't feel like talking about it when he is not drunk. And I don't think he listens when he is drunk."
"Do you dislike your Dad?"
"No. I love him. He loves mom and me a lot. But I don't know what happens to him when he drinks. I have seen mother cry too but I don't know what to do."

I did not know what to tell him. I don't know why he was telling me all this but I had no idea what to tell him. I did not know what to ask him, whether it would be intrusion on privacy.
"Has he ever hit your mother?"
"I don't know. I go to my room and sit. I can only hear them shout. I used to cry when I was a kid but now I don't feel like it. At times he comes to my room to talk to me when he is drunk. But I feel too scared to hear what he says. I just pray that he goes away. Sometimes I pretend to sleep. Then he doesn't stay. He goes away."
"Don't you think you should talk to him and tell him that you are scared? That you do not like him like that." I asked.
"I don't know how to. I talk to mom. Mom talks to him. He doesn't drink for a week and then starts again."

I was caught in a very weird situation. I felt sad at the kid's state. He was caught between loving Jekyll and being scared of Hyde. Two sides of the same coin. And yet I didn't know how to help him. I think he probably understood my precarious situation. He smiled and said,
"Don't worry. I just wanted to tell you why I don't like the story. I am used to it now. We are all used to it now. He is changing slowly. I believe he'll change one day. And I have promised my Mom, that I'll never be like him. I'll make sure that my wife and kids don't go through the same thing."
I stared at him at disbelief, at his maturity in handling the situation while he stood up.
"I have to go now. I think my parents are leaving."

I bid him goodbye and looked at him go and join his parents. There were a million things running through my head. It's funny how the person drinking never realizes how he is affecting the people he his around, people who love him and care for him. I was amazed at the kids maturity. He must have gone through so much of quiet mental abuse (maybe indirectly) and yet he has kept a check of what is right and what is wrong. Or maybe he is still confused about the whole thing. He just knows the cause of all his problems and he has decided that he will not create them for others.

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde has never been the same for me ever since. I have not met him since then. I hope he turned out well. It took a 14 year old kid to show me a very different side of life. I think he is one of the reasons that I have abstained from drinks. I politely decline when people try to convince me to drink. I could never explain them my reasons, I things some lessons are to be learnt from 14 year olds kids only.

A recovering (Im)patient

At times, I think it's best not to think about it. The "it" could be anything. I was talking about change last night and there has been a lot of changes in me recently. Is it noticeable? I do not know. But I know one thing for sure and that is I have started seeing my flaws. And I want to improve them. I am extremely impulsive and impatient. I am working on the impatience part, which indirectly leads to jumping to conclusions. And as most knows, everyone jumps to the wrong conclusions.

What I am slowly realizing is that, impatience leads to projecting your inner fears about the situation and then coming to a conclusion which you don't want to happen. But since you think that its the worst case scenario that is inevitably going to happen, you tend to get more frustrated. Though, later on you realize that all the time and energy you spent thinking about all those worst case scenarios was a total waste. Because in reality, nothing really happened. I think the better option is to take things at face value and wait for the plot to unfurl.

The impulsive part is not totally negative. The impulsive acts of the gut are never wrong. Never deny them. But doing things impulsively without giving it a second thought can be dangerous. Those need to be checked. I am very particular about them and try my best not to do something or say something that could hurt someone unknowingly.

Change

I really don't know how to categorize the day today. It was as if I was in some sort of a twilight zone. The day began extremely normal, but then things started picking up. I am not the kind of guy who likes change. But then there are times when you cannot avoid it. Its good to properly space out change in your life but when different facets of your life starts changing simultaneously, it becomes a little overwhelming.

I think its a lot more easier dealing with it once you come to terms with it. If you believe that you were not just a result of a night of passion and that your existence has a reason, then I guess it becomes easier to deal with the idea of change. You change and move ahead to fulfill your "raison d'être", your reason for being. And suddenly the small sacrifices or rather problems that you face due to the change becomes negligible and you realize that it's all for the good.

Though there is one question which I still need to think about. Everyone wants a life which is secure and comfortable. But aren't these two ideas in opposition to change? You wouldn't want to change your way of living or circumstance if its secure and comfortable. You wouldn't want to change it. But then again to grow, you need to change. In that case, I guess one needs to define growth. Each may have his own definition of it but as long as everyone has a growth plan, its all alright. So what it all boils down to is that everyone wants security and comfort (a static state) but everyone needs to change for growth (live a dynamic life). Its again an issue of "want" and "need" :)

Another observation from the above point is that what if we keep changing? Never enter a comfort zone that renders us static. Every time you see that you are getting comfortable, move on, leave your comfort behind and pursue the growth (provided you have defined it). Something like the character in the movie "Bawarchi". You step into a place which needs your input and which in exchange helps you fulfill a part of your reason for existence and then once you are satisfied with your work, you leave.

Sports

Slovakia 3 - 2 Italy
Can't get over the fact that Italy's out of the World Cup. There have been quite some upsets this WC like Germany and Spain losing to teams which normally people wouldn't expect them to lose against. France standing last in their group and exiting. But Italy's out too! I think there was a time long back when I used to really like the team (Baggio used to play for Italy then). This year Argentina has been playing well and so has Brazil. But the great thing about this WC is that newer teams are causing some major upsets. Its time that the favourites started working harder and really play worth the furore.

Weirder shit was happening at Wimbledon between Nicolas Mahut and John Isner. These guys played for more than 10 hours spread over 3 days with a final score 4-6,6-3, 7-6, 6-7, 68-70. I really don't understand much about the game or technique but I am amazed at their stamina and energy!

The last sporting news of the day... India won the Asia Cup against Sri Lanka after 15 years. The best thing was that the team was new with young guys in the side. I had obviously not watched the match, for India's benefit :P

...which brings me to the jinx between me and cricket matches. I do not know how this weird shit started but I think it was IPL. My dad has always been a die hard sports fan, specially cricket and football. A true Bong I guess :P I used to be an avid sports fan. Loved to sit and watch matches with Dad and his gang as a kid. I still remember the way we used to watch cricket matches in college. Everyone would reach the TV Hall (it was more of an open space in between 2 wings of the hostel) with plastic chairs and try and grab the best area. We used to have such an awesome time watching matches there.

And then IPL began and that's when the equations changed. Stupid Kolkata Knight Riders would never win a match when I would sit and watch. Extremely embarrassing. And my Dad thought that it was me who mysteriously held the key to KKR's pathetic performance. Apparently every time I stepped into the room, a KKR player would get out and on days when I didn't watch the match, they would win. I thought I would actually experiment with it and see if that's how it happened. In the beginning, it appeared so. Every time I was out and not watching a KKR match, they would win and conveniently lose on days I did watch. Bloody creepy! In fact a few of my friends found it pretty amusing and it served them as a new source of amusement :P But soon I realized that KKR didn't need me to lose the matches. They did it all on their own! My Dad wasn't too happy because that was probably the last hope he had of finding a reason for KKR's abysmal performance. The reason he hoped was me (Mom has always been considered the reason for India losing all their matches :P )

Well now I don't really care much about sports, I like playing though and I do when I get the time/opportunity. But watching tends to pressure my patience nerve to the extent of it bursting open :P.

A crazy night!

There are days when nothing seems to go right. And then there are nights that are worse :P Well last night was such a night. It had started raining in the evening yesterday and by the time I got back home I had decided that there was no way I was going to the gym. I was a little excited about these UML diagrams that I had started working with and wanted to continue on that.

Unfortunately, that was not to be. Lights went of within half an hour of me reaching home. Normally that wouldn't be an issue but then again, yesterday, our inverter wasn't working. Something had gone wrong in the afternoon and the electrician who had come to fix it apparently didn't do a good job (this we figured out when the lights went off and the inverter did not work) So we sat in the dark hoping that the lights would come back soon. Thanks to the rain, the weather was pretty good and it wasn't that hot.

As luck would have it, the lights didn't come by the time we hit bed. I had a weird feeling all evening in my stomach and at around 2 in the night, things got clearer. I got a tummy ache and I ended shuttling all night between the loo and my room. Lights came back around 5 in the morning, but by then I was almost half dead. I hadn't slept all night, felt extremely weak and by the time it was time to get up for work, my whole body was aching, had a terrible headache, stomach was still out of control with a cyclic I-wanna-die type of pain.

Skipped work and slept most of the day. I hope things get better by tomorrow.

Get It? v2.0

Last night's post was pretty shitty. I felt it while writing and later the comments reconfirmed the same. Day was pretty normal, nothing unusual or exciting, so let me just get straight to what I was trying to say.

It was end of 2004. CAT had bombed (not that I really expected anything out of it. got some lame 90 percentile or something). I was least interested in a MBA degree and really wanted to get into the Software Industry. 4 years of Electronics had proved that it was not the field for me. During those days, I had only heard of Infosys, Satyam, Patni and a few other companies. My dream job was at Infosys. I soon realized that getting an opportunity to prove myself wasn't that easy. I applied to a lot of places and I was jubilated when I got a call to attend the written test from Infosys. It wasn't really difficult but I was extremely panicky. I got a super high when I realized that I had got through the written test.

I was to attend the next round of interview. I heard from friends that the written test is the difficult one. Everyone breezes through the second one. That cooled me down a bit but seriously speaking, I was at the verge of a nervous breakdown. On the day of the interview, I tried to brain wash myself saying that, "It's just an interview, don't worry". Things were fine till I reached the hotel where the interview was scheduled. I didn't realize when it happened but instead of concentrating on how to get through the interview, I had started worrying about what would happen if I didn't get through. Self doubt crept in. I over looked the fact that I had made it that far and started worrying about how the other candidates might be better than me. My complete approach to the interview had changed. I started sweating, my heart was jumping out of my mouth and by the time I was called, I was like a zombie with no control over my thoughts or actions. I don't remember how much crap I gave there, but I do remember that they had given me an analytical problem based on the pendulum theory. Basically based upon the (1/2*pi)*square_root(L/g) formula. I gave such a shitty answer that I actually feel embarrassed thinking about it now. But, the answer didn't strike me then. I came out, confident that I was out of Infosys. I went out, caught a taxi, got in and the answer struck me.

I got into a depression after that but after a week of lamenting, I shook myself up and started applying again. Got a call from a gaming company called Paradox Studios. Went there, a little more experienced and little more chilled. But of course, the tech interview was a lot more difficult than Infy's. Luckily the guy who interviewed me, saw that it was just the nerves that was killing me, so he gave me a small project to do and gave me a week's time. I did it in 3 days and sent it over. I got the job. I realized this time that the thing I did right this time, was that I didn't worry about not getting in. I just went and did whatever I could with the limited knowledge I had.

Then I learnt the real lesson. I got an interview call from Reliance Infocomm. Was least bothered about it and somewhere deep inside, I actually didn't want to get through Reliance. I casually walked in, sat for God knows how long, drank some tea and then got interviewed. I was super confident, didn't matter whether I was giving right answers or wrong. Thing is, I really didn't care. My job there was to give the interview, I had nothing to lose, it wasn't a do or die situation, I already had an interesting job in hand. As a result I was in my natural state, absolutely chilled and relaxed. I got the job.

In all the 3 cases, nothing had changed as far as me or my knowledge was concerned. The only difference was my attitude and approach to it. The idea is to be relaxed and give your best shot with a positive attitude (though best shot without an attitude also works :P) I had just stopped thinking about what would happen if I didn't get the job. Instead, I just concentrated on the job at hand, ie the interview. I think this applies to a lot of things in life. At times, we are so afraid that we will not get something that we stop concentrating on how to get it and start panicking about the lack of it. We end up doing stupid things, which makes sure that whatever probability there was of success just goes down the drain. Like a final nail to the coffin.

The problem is, trying to convince your mind to be in a state of peace and positivity when it is a do or die situation. :)

Get it?

Today was an interesting day :) Observation of the day:

There are times when you want something and you would do anything for it. And at such times, you never realize when your focus on getting it turns into fear of not getting it. In the beginning you are all hopeful about how nice it would be to have it and then as time progresses, before you realize it, you are so afraid of losing what you don't have (messing up such that you don't get it) that your focus changes from getting it, to not losing it (which actually you never had). The outcome is inevitable. You don't get it to lose it.

The case is worse when you are not in a bargaining position or you feel you aren't in one. Then it becomes more difficult. And then when you approach the same situation from a different perspective, things turn out way different. What I mean is when you are not approaching it with the fear of not getting it you are more in your natural element and you don't botch up things. As a result, you end up getting it.

Bottom line I think is to be just "be bindaas! Hai hi nahi to na hone ka kya :D" And then the wheels will turn to help you get that you don't have and keep that you do.

My God was just a Man

*This is a long post.
I am really blue about my dance practice. :( And I can't stop cribbing about it. I feel like head butting with the wall. Anyways no point in fretting over that. Tomorrow's Father's Day. The feeling about the concept is very similar to Mother's Day. I am not comfortable expressing what I feel to my parents, more so, when Dad is concerned. I'll talk about how a relationship between a father and son changes over time. It's again my take on it but I think it's more or less same with all guys. I had once written a piece about my relationship with my Dad, somewhere in college. It was a weird phase. Growing up is weird I guess. :) Recently found it. I retouched it a bit and put it up tonight. I am pretty positive that he'll never know about it. So that makes me comfortable.

It's a rather typical behaviour of human beings to depend on a higher power. A powerful being on whom one can depend, who can be blamed when things go wrong, who can give you hope when nothing seems to be going right. Everyone has their own God to trouble. I had one too and to a certain extent He still stands behind me supporting me as I walk on in life and pulls me out of the occasional ditches which unseeingly, I walk right into. He is not an immortal, ten limbed, four headed, tiger riding creature but just a normal God fearing, man. He's just my dad.

From the day the word "Father" made sense to me, I have been an avid fan of his. He was my Hero, the all knowing, omnipotent man. Everything he told me was a new amazing fact, a rule to be followed, a truth that cannot be doubted. He was the coolest guy in the crowd, the best of the lot. He was the one whom I ran to when my Mom would not listen, who would play to all my whims and childish fantasies, who would make sure I got my “Tintin” and “Famous Five” every month.

But then life wouldn’t be so interesting if things were so simple and happy. Education and life seem to gang up against me and teach me some bitter truths of life. The day came when I started making decisions and accepting facts based on what was right and what was wrong (the day I discovered my conscience). A trivial incident of accidentally reading my dad’s speech turned my world upside down. I realized that the speech which my dad was supposed to give the next day had mistakes in it. But how could that be? He never makes mistakes. All these years, there was no one who could speak better english than my dad. Then how did he make such mistakes? I couldn’t believe it but the mistakes stared at me from the white sheet, mocking my belief. Strange questions started troubling me. Had he always been making mistakes? All these years of blind faith that I had in him, was it all a mistake? My life seemed to be in a turmoil. My faith was being questioned by a jury of faceless doubts. It was the day I realised that my God was nothing more than an erring man.

From then on the dormant seed of doubt which had laid quiet under my blanket of childish ignorance seem to germinate with a burst of fury. A sense of rebellion had engulfed me. Everything that my God told me was to be treated with suspicion. Life seemed miserable but I could not escape from it. It had taken complete control over me. But the same conscience that once questioned my faith also made it clear how I really felt about my father. I knew I loved him more than any other man.

As I grew and neared the end of my teens, the concept of a super human dad was much clearer. There was no such thing! It felt bad but truth, they say, is always difficult to acknowledge. I have realized that most men try to do their best as fathers. Some succeed and some don’t. If I ever had a choice of changing any event between me and my father, I would let it pass without a single thought.

But answers to problems are nothing more than new problems. The question which now comes to my mind is that if there is no super human dads then what happens to me? Will my kids go through the same things? Or is there something that can be done to avoid it? What if I start telling my kids right from the beginning that I am just a normal human being. Will it make sense to them? But then again it was not my dad’s fault that I thought him as God. He never told me to worship him. It was I who assigned him a position. So does that mean I have no control over how my kids deal with it? Who’s to be blamed for God’s downfall? God himself or the worshipers who expect too much of him?

The questions remain unanswered but I guess time answers all. For now I have an answer. I have lost my God but I have found the better man who I want to be. He’s just my Dad.

Panchgani

I try to leave town during the year end. Its this weird idea I have developed that if I do that, then I have a great action packed year. Fortunately its been true for the past 3 years. So I shall continue with the tradition.

The 2008 year end was an interesting one. That was the last time the 3 Stooges went out together. It was one of those rare occasions when I was taking the initiative while the other 2 were cribbing and being major pain! Usually it was always the other way round. Nicholas would plan something, Sameer would agree and I would crib and crib till they forced me to join them. It was crazy. I kept trying to organize the trip, but we were just not able to decide on the days that would be convenient for all of us. We each had our limitations. I wanted to get back on the 31st so that I could spend the New Year with my family. Sameer had his issues and Nicholas had his.

Anyways somehow we managed and it was decided that Nickso and myself would leave for panchgani on the 29th of December night and Sameer would join us on the 30th. We would then be returning on the 31st. We had also thought of going to Mahabaleshwar but then that got cancelled for reasons mentioned below.

We reached at a really odd hour the next morning (it was more like night) at Panchgani. We were sleepy and it was cold! We hunted for a place and somehow managed to get a hotel. We had made plans to see some place at sunrise but once we hit the bed, nothing else mattered. When we got up, we realized that we couldn't survive there for a single hour. The place was "YUCK!" and there were bed bugs. So we decided that we needed to find some other good place. I am not sure why but we had actually budgeted our trip. Anyways we hunted around for another hotel and then we chanced upon Mount View Hotel. It was just awesome! An old house with a fantastic view. Just the perfect place for 3 friends to catch up on life.

We walked around Panchgani enjoying the weather and the sights and sound. Reminded us of our trip to Sikkim. Sameer joined us in the afternoon and we ended up eating the "Laal Dabba Chinese", remembering our college day chinese dinners. :D We then went to a place called Table Top, which is basically a huge flat area on the top of the Panchgani hill.
Obviously we took one of the usually not take routes and ended trekking up to the place. Really nice place to get a panaromic view of the surrounding hills, lakes and the city.

By the time we came down, it was almost dark. We roamed around in the town for a while and then headed back to the hotel. Played a lot of Table Tennis, arranged for a camp-fire that we hand planned for the night and then headed out for dinner. Came back after dinner and made ourselves a cozy little fire and then we started chatting. No idea how long we chatted but it covered a lot of areas.

Just like our days in the fourth year of Engineering when we would go for dinner to Bahadur Sheikh naka and then walk down to a nearby bridge and then spend an hour talking about everything under the sun. The warm fire in the cold night really felt very good.

The next morning we went around investigating the surrounding areas and ended up modeling quite a bit :) Pretty impressed with the outcome. Well the problem that came up was that we wanted to get back but Nicholas kept insisting that he wanted to stay. He wanted us to stay back too. The reasons became apparent later on that year but we each had our prior commitments. But we were both glad that he had a very interesting New Year that night :). So in our own ways we all got what we wanted.

I guess that's how things are. Its all alright at the end :)

Shades of Gray

Was an extremely boring day. Extremely!!! Let me just put down a few lines that hit me early in the morning today.

You see the stars, I see the light of day,
both on course, in our own silly way,
I see it black, its white you say,
maybe its neither, but just shades of gray

Writing everyday, no matter what, has actually improved my thought process I think. I feel as if a little of my old self is coming back :) Next assignment is to restart painting.

I think I can extend upon the above 4 lines, but just don't feel like thinking right now.

Now here's an observation that I have recently made. Well actually I have cribbed about it earlier too but my dear friends are a useless lot and have conveniently ignored my pleas. I haven't seen this habit in guys, its mostly girls who are this psychotic. A lot of guys are not good with dates. There are exceptions and I know a few of them (bloody pain in the ass) but generally we tend to forget. It's a big issue for me. I forget dates and at times even names. I could be introducing someone without the slightest idea of what his/her name is. I would be, "... and this is... this is.... ummm... this is....". By the third "this is", the person mostly introduces himself/herself after giving me a you-stupid-ass look. :P

A few of my friends purposely remove their date of births from all the community sites so that they can
1. Crib if someone forgets (Me and I am sure there are more)
2. Threaten with all the girly manipulative ways
3. Gain sadistic pleasure out of my misery

Man! I mean is it so important to remember the dates? Is it? Well maybe it is but come on! Well I know I am just shouting it out and hitting my head on the wall but it's seriously painful. I guess I probably need to store the following details :
1. Date of Birth
2. Anniversary (Since a lot of them are getting married now)
3. Spouse's Name (I am so glad that a few friends understand that it is not always possible to remember the spouse's name)
4. Kid's names (once they start having them)

I think I should start practicing this asap.

Daughters

It has been raining for the past 3 days. Just continuous rain with awesome wind. Do I like it? No, not really. Getting wet when I want to get wet is a different thing. But getting wet while going to work or returning is not the most wonderful feeling. And sitting in wet clothes is pathetic. Anyways we need the rain, Bombay needs all the rain that it can get, so that we don't run out of water 6 months down the lane.

I don't really feel like writing too much. Just too bloody sleepy. Did a leg workout after more than 2 months. Its already aching. I am dreading the thought of tomorrow cause the real pain comes after 12 - 18 hours. So what I am gonna do is take the easy way out and note down another great song.

Its a song called "Daughters" by John Mayer. Really an awesome song.

I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
But she's just like a maze
Where all of the walls continually change
And I've done all I can
To stand on her steps with my heart in my hands
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe it's got nothing to do with me

Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Oh, you see that skin?
It's the same she's been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now I'm left
Cleaning up the mess he made

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Boys, you can break
You'll find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong
And boys soldier on
But boys would be gone without the warmth from
A woman's good, good heart

On behalf of every man
Looking out for every girl
You are the guide and the weight of her world

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

I find this song extremely deep and meaningful. I don't know how many girls would connect to this song but I think a father does play a major role in a girl's life and her outlook towards other men. The mother is just as important. A girl does grow up to be like her mother, no matter how much she claims she isn't. And I do believe at times its not about what more the guy can do but its more about what it is that the girl wants. Its never easy trying to understand what a girl feels but I guess at times its best to be silent, patiently listen and wait. Its probably not how to solve a problem that a girl looks for, rather helping her realize that she can solve it.

But then again, I must be wrong... I am not an expert :)

Sense of direction or the lack of it

Some men pride themselves for their sense of direction, some are so proud that they would probably put it on their visiting cards and then there are those who just rely on google maps/wikimapia and modern technology. I belong to the last category. To tell you the truth I have very poor sense of direction. It takes me at least 4 - 5 trips before I am remotely aware of the area that I am in. No wait! I would be lying if I said that. I would actually require 10 - 15 trips before I am confident about my way. Cities confuse me. I lose my sense of direction. The streets look same, landmarks keep changing, total mess. And then there are those million traffic rules (which of course no one follows in India... I try to and fail miserably)

Women on the other hand usually don't harp about their sense of direction, though they are generally pretty good at it. They also have a habit of asking for directions when they sense that something doesn't seem right. Men, I guess are not comfortable doing so. I too am a little uncomfortable asking for directions. When alone, I have spent a lot of time driving/roaming all over the place, expecting to find the destination miraculously, in spite of the fact that I know I have no clue as to where I am. But usually, I end up asking for directions sooner or later.

My Dad on the other hand has a weird way of asking for directions. He does everything possible to get us lost. Firstly, he'll not ask for directions properly on the phone before leaving home. He basically looks out for the closest place he knows, when directions are being given and then completely filters out the rest of the information. On reaching the place, he is clueless and his standard dialogue is, "Yahan se aagey kuch to bola tha!". He'll then conveniently blame me for not being responsible enough to hear the directions. Anyways, to maintain "peace and harmony", my usual response is, "Hmmm...". We then stop and ask for directions. After a lot of , "haan! achcha to aagey jaake left", "ok! aagey se right kya?", "kya? 2 signal chodke teesre pe right?", he'll turn to me and say, "Kuch nahi samjha kya bola, tu seedha chal!"

Me, on the other hand, is a directionless fool on a different level. I am not comfortable going to a new place before finding out each and every turn and corner on the internet. If I haven't done research, I am usually very restless, irritable and basically a pain. Ask me to take you to a place I know and you'll mostly reach without any problems. Sitting beside me and directing me is not an easy job either. Very few  people have successfully done it. You cannot tell me to take a turn when we are at the turn. I must be informed at least a 100 metres ahead. Statements such as, "We should have taken that turn" after crossing the turn is a definite no - no! It is more difficult driving with women sitting beside because they cannot make up their minds. I don't like that. Decide first and then tell me. I do not have an "Undo" button while driving.

The worst thing that I have done as far as going off-direction is concerned, was when Nicholas dropped me off at VT (I prefer calling it that than CST) at the platform and then I took a wrong train. I was to take the train to Belapur (BR), instead I got on a Bandra (B) local, thinking that it was a typo :P.

Strangely, I am a lot more in sync with my location when I am in nature. I have never got lost in any of the hill stations, be it during treks or any other activity. I somehow manage to get back on track in nature :) There is a possibility that I may have not been rigorously tested in nature. Who knows?

I have been reading, rather, I have been gulping it down. There have always been questions whose answers were left unanswered. There have been incidents which have not made sense. Which seemed pointless, a waste of time. I feel a little satiated now with this new knowledge I have found. I still do not believe in it yet but it has intrigued me. Let's just say that a lot of things have happened in the past few months quite unrelated to each other and yet all pointing towards the same direction.

I still do not know what I am to deduce from it all. Where it is that I am headed and yet I know that there is a destination ahead. I am not sure what I would find there but I know that all these questions that have been swirling in my head all my life will be answered. At least I believe so. But everything is hazy, there isn't a concrete picture forming. As the days go by and I experience newer things, this haziness seems to be clearing and yet it remains veiled. It is as if the more I find out about it, the lesser I know, and the lesser I know, the more I want to know.

I have already asked the questions. I do not know if they are correct. You cannot hope to be answered if you do not ask the right questions. But, the connections are inevitable and I guess undeniable. Am I being unscientific? Has not my education taught me to question everything? Am I being open minded or just seeing a pattern in the chaos, simply because I choose to and I am hunting for an answer. How do I again settle the conflict between logic and belief? Because my new beliefs are not proven to me scientifically and yet they seem very believable. As if I always knew something similar existed and yet had to be reminded of the details. The journey is interesting and yet confusing. Doubts lurk in each and every corner.

But it all comes down to one single thing, the big picture. Who paints it still remains a mystery. Or do we each have our own painting to be drawn or do we find people so that we can help each other finish it? Is it a collective or a personal? Maybe we are all headed towards the same place, just following our own chosen paths. And on the way we cross others, with whom we exchange notes about out journey. We try to convince some to join our paths but each must follow his own. At the end I believe we all meet again.

Bandra

I was shocked in my first year of college, around 2000, when I heard that my friend Sameer, being a Maharashtrian and living in Bombay all his life had never seen the Gateway of India. It was just unimaginable. It took Nicholas and me almost a week before we came to terms with the fact that such a thing was actually possible. It was with us, I think, that Sameer made his maiden voyage to the Gateway :)

Fast-forward 10 years to 2010. I have lived in Bombay for many years and I have never been to Bandra. And apparently that is where everything cool happens :P. Anyways this trip came about due to a number of factors. The first reason was that my ophthalmologist friend suggested that I pay a visit to the Mount Mary church. The second reason was that I needed to exchange a book with a friend that we had been planning for almost a month. The books are a topic by themselves, which I'll discuss on another day. For starters just google Dr. Brian Weiss. The third reason was that I had not been to any place interesting in quite sometime and I needed to do some photography. So all these reasons made me push myself out of the house and head for Bandra. Loved the trip to Bandra thanks to the NMMT air-conditioned bus.

It was cloudy throughout which made the weather bearable. I was a little worried about the church timings but was really glad to find out that it was open when I reached.

I have always loved the architecture of old churches. Was decently impressed with this too. Though, the churches at Goa are just plain awesome. The interiors were interesting too with Christ's story illustrated all around the walls.

I sat there for a while and generally tried to gather my thoughts. I observed that a lot of people were present  (I guess it was because of the fact that it was a Sunday). I also realized that people from all faith came there to pray. The fact that a lot of them were leaving there shoes outside the church made it very clear. It was funny to see a guard telling people to wear their shoes inside rather than leaving them out. Obviously most people would find the idea of wearing their shoes inside a holy place sacrilegious and so they left them out.

Observed the people, prayed a bit, clicked some photos and waited for my friend to come. I was pretty satisfied with my trip so far.

I first came in contact with this friend of mine during my kitten incident (Refer to my old posts) and since then we have only met online and this would be the first time we would be actually meeting. She had promised to show me around Bandra and so thats what we did when we met. We first went to the Bandra Fort which was the saddest fort I have ever seen in my life. I don't know if I missed something there but from what I saw I am sure Belapur Fort is bigger than that :P

Though I did manage to take a couple of photos there. I wanted her to pose in front of the Taj Lands and take an excited touristy look wala photo, to which she said she would rather die than do that :) She in fact suggested that I do it. Now I think I should have done it. Hmmm... next time maybe :)

Took a couple of photos showing the very famous Bandra-Worli sea link. The crowd made it really sad. There were people all over (mostly couples :P). And I actually was startled finding people at weirdest locations :D

Walked along band-stand for a while and had some sort of a light-very-late lunch. I had a really good time there and we ended up talking about a lot of stuff. Now some seriously freaky thing happened at the end of it. In one of my previous posts, I had mentioned about how I keep seeing 11:11 in a lot of places numerous times in a day. The number patterns have started increasing now.

We were about to leave when she suddenly tells me that for sometime now she has been seeing number patterns over and over again in various places. I was very amused and asked her about the 11:11. Apparently she keeps seeing 444 apart from 1111. It was good to finally meet someone who saw similar number patterns :) We exchanged some more stories about where all we see the numbers and then before we left she asked me what time it was. Guess what the time was? It was 4:44... :)

Fly away KITES never to return

After sleeping at 3:30 last night, the day didn't go that good. I had a headache most of the day. Had to resort to going to a saloon and getting a "chumpi" :P Spent most of the day, staring at the computer, doing nothing. Didn't work on the site or anything. Salsa was sort of alright. I wouldn't categorize it as great. I was forgetting the steps and couldn't really practice the steps that I wanted to and planned.

Tried watching Kites, I say "tried", cause in spite of attempting twice I haven't been able to finish it. I think I'll manage to finish it tomorrow. Its a well shot movie, Barbara/Hrithik are both looking good, good dance sequence in the beginning, but I would still like to shoot myself in the head at the end of it. I think they made the story as they were shooting. The good thing was that the goras where not shown speaking fluent hindi. Anyways my family wants to watch MNIK tomorrow where Shahrukh gives a huge dialogue in Hindi to a bunch of black americans and they get all weepy and start singing "We Shall Over Come" :(

I think I will call it quits tonight. Sleep will probably do me good :)

You are hopeless! Why don't you get married?

The only highlight of the day was that nothing happened and the World Cup started (yaaaawwwn!! whatever!). Apart from that, had a sudden stroke of brilliance and came up with this:

Stay behind me, my shadow,
For you darken my road ahead
Walk with me, my conjoined twin
There's a lot to be heard and said

You surrounded me in times of light
There were many more of you
But where were you when the nights were longer
When I really needed you.

Pretty painful right? Ya I know! Lets lighten up the air a bit tonight.

I read this somewhere quite a long time back. Its about the sad story of man and his contorted connection with the word "Bachelor". He goes through a painful journey to attain bachelorhood (his bachelor's degree) only to realize that he has to now go through an even more difficult path of losing his bachelorhood (his bachelor status). The daft bloke had no idea that his days of joy after attaining his bachelors would be so short lived. Yours truly is currently in the phase of attempting to lose his bachelorhood or should I say, is being forced into giving it up under very unfavourable circumstances.

The process began almost two and a half years ago and has gone through various levels of foul attempts and phases. My parents have attempted sweet talking, logic, external influence, anger, brainwashing, emotional blackmail and various different techniques to get me married off. There have been times of heightened activity (bride search - conducted by dad, assisted by mom), gaps of dormancy (reverse psychology applied here) and phases of stealth search (I was unaware of it happening).

I have tried all evil ways to avoid the subject and at times have deliberately jeopardized their evil plans. There was a time when I rejected using a certain sequence. My dad would show me photos and I would be like "no, na na not possible, not this please, she is so not what she says, i don't like her, i'd rather die, are you crazy?, no, na na not possible..." and the loop continued. Soon my Dad found out about my sequence and generally attempted a method of "clearing my false aspirations and hopes about my future partner". In short, "Izzat-ka-kachda" happened.

While my Dad has been trying a direct approach of scaring the shit out of me and making me give in (a procedure often followed by the police on criminals), my Mom has been far less conspicuous about the whole thing. She is more of the subtle type which makes her all the more dangerous. I have absolutely no idea how but she somehow manages to connect every possible subject to my marriage. A few examples would clarify the situation:

Me: You know mom, I was thinking of buying a dog.
Mom: And who is going to take care of it? Get married first and then your wife can take care of it. We will not say no.

Mom: Help me out in the kitchen
Me: Are you crazy? Do you know how much time you'll spend undoing the things I do and then redoing them?
Mom: I wish I had a daughter. She would be more helpful and understanding than you are. And you won't even marry x-( ! Atleast I would have then understood how it would be to have a daughter. :(
Me: Huh!? (In my mind - How the hell did the conversation lead here?)

Mom: Your Dad is the biggest pain in my life. 
Me: Huh? What happened?
Mom: How am I to get any work done if he keeps asking for tea every hour?
Me: Aren't you habituated after 29 years of marraige?
Mom: How long am I supposed to keep doing this? And you won't even marry x-( ! Your wife could have helped me a bit. You are absolutely useless and may I add, hopeless!
Me: (Blank look on my face and wondering what the "F" just happened) What?
Dad: (Walks in cluelessly) What happened? What's the problem?
Me: (turning to dad) Grrrrr....


Mom: There is good news
Me: Really? what?
Mom: X's son Y is getting married to Z. Y found Z on his own. X was a little hesitant in the beginning but at the end it is Y and Z who will spend their lives together. We are attending on (a particular date). Don't plan anything else.
Me: Ok
Mom: Why don't you try something similar? "Internet mein nahi milti kya?" They met on some site.
Me: "Haan milti hai na, Rs 50 per kilo, lau kya?"
Mom: Shut up! You can't even find a girl for yourself. Absolutely hopeless. Why don't you get married?


So that's how most of my talks with mom happens nowadays. There are a million more examples but they all end the same way, "You are hopeless. Why don't you get married?" Such is the sorry life I am leading.

So, my future wife, if you are reading this, please come out from wherever it is you are hiding. Lets just get this misery done with. I am sure you're story is somewhat similar too.

Emotional Atyachaar

Disclaimer: Contains explicit content and may not be suitable for overtly decent people

I downloaded Masters of Chants by Gregorian today. I already had some of their songs but with my new net connection (I just love saying it) I got hold of their first album. Shall get hold of all of them. It is an awesome collection! Very very gothic and eerie :D. Will darken my room tomorrow and listen to it. Should be a good experience. It was exactly what I needed. Was a little mind-fucked most of the day. Helped me relax :)

There is one particular show on TV nowadays which totally freaks me out. It's Emotional Atyachaar on UTV Bindaas. It makes me very uncomfortable and I avoid watching it most of the times but then there are days when I get this inkling to see what new crap people can do. After watching the show there are just 2 thoughts that will come to your mind depending upon whether they are focusing on a girl or a guy. Most men are bastards! Most women are bitches! Absolutely made for each other :P. I am sure most of you have heard of it. In case you haven't, then let me just brief you a bit :)

The idea is very basic. You have a partner and you think that he/she might be doing some extra-curricular activities while sweetly telling you that he/she can't live without you? Well you do a tiny loyalty test on your partner and see how much in water your relationship is in. You would think initially, how can I doubt my partner? Isn't that like breaking the first commandment of Love? Well might as well do that and prevent yourself from breaking the 6th commandment, "Thou shall not murder!" :P. These guys create situations where a person of a sidey morality would falter. The rest as they say is history :)

I think there is no excuse for infidelity, unless you are in an open relationship (what the fuck is that anyways!?). Excuses such as we were so far away for so long, we didn't have time for each other and all that is absolute bull-shit! If you do not have the balls to tell the truth to your partner, no matter how difficult it is, then you don't deserve to be in a relationship. I have suffered my share of cheating, lying and two-timing. And that's the reason it pisses me off more when I see someone cheat on their partner, be it on TV or in real life. I have cut-off friendship with a very good friend because he did a similar thing. He may have his point of view and his excuses but knowing the girl and knowing that she was totally faithful to him, I don't give a rat's ass about it.

I may sound a bit snobbish and over-confident but I firmly believe that I will not fail a loyalty test no matter what. I have been proven wrong about a number of things in my life but I think this is one thing I am confident about, just like I am confident that I'll never start smoking/drinking. Seeing this program, I do feel scared to think about relationships and how I would react would it happen to me, again. I am sure a lot of you too may feel the same. But then based upon my history (whatever insignificant amount it is), I think infidelity is like a boomerang. You get exactly what you give :P And its not long before they get exactly what they deserve. And sometimes, if they have a little decency left, they come and apologize. But mostly by then, it doesn't really matter :)

Well life's a bitch and relationships are no child's play either. But then again, C'est La Vie!

I am happy for you :)

Had good fun today. An ophthalmologist friend of mine is in town, so Shekhar and I, went and met up with her. It was hilarious! I think Shekhar and myself were both at a pretty good state of humor today and the fact that our friend is such an awesome sport, just made it better :) 2 hours of continuous rotfl! (Google it if you don't know what it means :P)

Work was weird today. Extremely boring!!!! Extremely!! Sat and sifted through all the commands and the software is one hell of a complicated program with such a large number of commands that one tends to lose track of the whole scene. Good thing is at the end, I had a rough idea about how the structure should be.

I think I have mentioned before that I have had an increased interest in photography. I have a Nikon L11 digicam with which I manage to take decent pictures and with a little bit of post processing, things turn out interesting. But after a recent encounter with a Nikon D3000 Digital SLR, the thought of getting myself a DSLR has been seeded. I am thinking of saving me some money and getting an entry level DSLR. Something to experiment with and learn the ropes. I was pretty confused between Canon (EOS 500D & EOS 550D) and Nikon (D3000 & D5000). But after seeing the specs, approximate price and a few reviews, I think Nikon D5000 would be the best for me. Now I just need to somehow manage and save around 38K :P.

I have noticed something which I think is pretty common and happens with everyone. It is a common phenomenon to see people not very happy when someone else is happy for a change. What I mean to say is that lets say for example, out of 3 acquaintances, one gets a good job and shares it with the other two, 80% - 90% of the time, they will give a nod and a smile and then criticize among themselves as to why the job is so not what it is made out to be. Its not often that others share the joy when you share your good news with them. In fact there will be people who takes it upon themselves to convince you that it is really not so great and you have nothing much to be happy about. Then there are those who'll use this opportunity to just get a free "daaru-party".

It has happened to me too. The saddest part is that I have been the one to nod and smile and then feel jealous about my friend's fortune. The jealousy came for a fraction of second but the damage was done. I was happy for him, but the sense of guilt over powered it. I think most of us are always so dissatisfied with what we have that this thing happens. Or maybe this feeling comes, when we lack something and a friend's good news just reinforces the fact that we are unable to get it while he can, which takes precedence over the thought of feeling happy for his success.

There are a lot of factors for this, including the fact that some people are just by nature negative and they just can't see someone else happy. It's like they are epicenters of negativity. My mom tells me, "Too little of something makes us mean minded and too much of something makes us too self-engrossed. You need to find an optimum balance between the two where you have enough for yourself and yet can spare something for someone else's good." I think this applies to a lot of places but in this context, its true. If I have very less money then I'll never be happy when my friend gets a good salaried job and if I have too much of it, I'll probably not even feel his happiness cause it comes so easily to me. But if I have sufficient and am happy with myself, I think I'll appreciate his happiness and actually feel good for him. Feel that he deserves it.

Being jealous of others, I guess is human, but I wish we wouldn't feel jealous of our friends. Cause if you have a strong conscience, it becomes extremely difficult explaining the situation to yourself. And I guess answering one's own self is not as easy as it seems :)

DTH with recording facility - Yaaaaay!!!!

I had thought of writing quite a bit today, but this broadband is seriously screwing my plans :( I ended up watching Youtube videos instead of writing. I haven't enjoyed the simple pleasure of watching them at home before. So its a brand new experience. I remember my friends kept sending me Youtube links and I would be like, "ummm! My net is damn slow, I'll check it out at office". Well now, "Bring it on baby!! :)"

Work was pretty "blyaah" today. The Model/View thingy was still screwing with me but then just towards the end I found out a way to do what I wanted to do though the process isn't very elegant. In the longer run, I need to learn how to subclass the Abstract classes to get the funda working. I think I'll put up a tutorial once I get done. There isn't a good tutorial on the net to do it. Damn pathetic! Good tutorials can save a lot of time for a lot of people.

Its been quite sometime now since I got the Tata Sky+ but I think it was one of our best investments. Fortunately, my friend Kartik had come down from the US then and he had a similar TV recording box. He sort of enlightened me and showed me how it actually saves time and entertains. He said, "Look buddy, you love watching TV but you don't get the time. The only time you watch TV is probably while you eat or after you come back from office. I am sure you must not be watching more than an hour per day. And you will notice that during this time, you will never see anything worthwhile. You keep flipping channels and end up watching nothing. Get this system, set your timings and record the stuff you wanna watch. Watch it during the small window you get to watch TV."

It was one of the "Ahaaa!" moments :) We got it immediately and soon discovered many more positive points about it. I could record all the FRIENDS episodes and watch them over and over again. Record movies on weekdays and watch them on weekends. In fact, now even if I have the time I record the movie and start watching it an hour after it actually starts. That way, I watch the recorded version and fast forward those gazillion useless advertisements. Super time effective! Specially when you are psychotic enough to pack your schedule so bad that you don't get a breather all day, a TV recorder system really helps you push it up a notch and yet lets you watch your favourite serials and de-stress :)

So if you don't already have one, and you are a die hard TV fan, get it, specially with the World Cup just a few days away :)

Disclaimer: No DTH service is paying me any commission for this, specially Tata Sky. So you can get anyone of them and this is not an advertisement :P

Its raining Megabits :)

My MTNL broadband is finally here! After suffering forever with a pathetic excuse of a broadband connection, I finally have something which makes me feel happy :) The first thing I did after coming home from work was get online and check the speed ( skipped gym :P ) at one of the speed-test sites. And what did I discover? I have a 2 Mbps connection :D The joy is short lived because they will soon realize that I should be actually getting 320 kbps for the Unlimited plan that I opted for and they will cap my bandwidth.Another problem that I have noticed is that the connection is extremely unstable. The link keeps going down :( Hopefully it'll stabilize in a few days.

So in my excitement, I opened up a torrent site and decided to download something. After looking at the screen for a couple of minutes, it struck me that there was really nothing that I wanted to download :P Super anti-climax! Went and downloaded a couple of salsa videos. And then again stared at the screen for another 5 minutes and then a dialogue came to my mind, "You know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it." I wanted broadband and now that I had it, didn't know what to do with it :D The Dark Knight really had some awesome dialogues. God knows what prompted Ledger to kill himself though, after such an amazing performance.

QT4 is a pain in the ass! Seriously! I felt like tearing my hair off with it's Model/View programming concepts. Sounds very cool and intelligent but implementing it is suicidal. All I did the whole day was get more and more confused and ended up sub-classing god knows how many QT classes x-(

The rains are finally here! It has been coming and going for the past few days but today it appears as if its here to stay :) I am sort of happy because it'll bring some respite from the heat but then again I am not the biggest fan of the rains. Though many of my friends would give their right arm to get wet in the rain and also take this opportunity to call me a loser :) Today in spite of the fact that we both contemplated rain, Suman and myself reached office without umbrellas. And as expected it started raining while we were waiting for the bus in the evening. Thankfully there was a cobbler shop where we could stand for a while and the rain subdued. Was lucky the first day but I think its better we don't take a chance tomorrow.

Rockvale Academy

Was a pretty active sunday. Got to work on my website for a while. Spent the evening with a friend. So pretty happy with the weekend :) Well I have put up part of the front page for testing purpose. You can check it out and send your comments to me. Here's the link :

http://www.shubhayu.com/main.html

I have got to write about Kalimpong today. I have been chatting with one of my friends from there all day and I just kept remembering things from back then. If you have read my previous posts, you'll get a feel about how strongly I feel about the place. Everyday there, was a memory. I studied in 2 schools there during the 7 years I stayed there, did 1st - 3rd standard in Benjamin Garden's School and 4th - 7th in Rockvale Academy. My days in Benjamin Garden's were very scary particularly because of a certain teacher. I used to be so shit scared of her, that it wasn't funny! She beat the crap out of me! But now that I am older, I realize that if she wouldn't have disciplined me the way she did I would have probably turned into an A-class monkey (not that I wasn't one). After class 3, I shifted to Rockvale Academy. Things were way better since then. The sad part though was that I couldn't stay with my mom anymore as she had to go and live with Dad in Melli, Sikkim (who had fallen sick because he wasn't taking care of himself). So I shifted to Tapoban and started living there as a PG. After the first year, I think I was part of the family. Now its become my hideaway. I think it'll be very easy locating me if I ever vanish. I would definitely be found there.

This was my school. Though when I was there, before I left, the top floor of the main building was just being built, there was no building in the back. And the building to the right had only one floor. I had made some really good friends there, a few with who I am still in touch regularly while a few through Facebook. Now since directions are a little different when you live in the hills, I'll try and explain. Our house was at a place which was higher than our school, ie, in terms of terrace farming, the school was at a lower terrace than my house. The great part about living in the mountains is you can overtake cars and reach the destination before it. All you have to do is just follow one of the mud-paths and run downhill while the car would take the main road and loop all over the world to reach there. So every morning I used to follow one of these mud-paths (called "chor bato" in Nepali), cross a water spring (called "jhora"), run down lots of terrace farms (where mostly maize was grown) and finally reach school. But the thing is what comes down must go up :P and that was the difficult part :D

But my days at Rockvale was super. I had really good teachers, my favourite being Ghising sir who was our english teacher. He was also our music teacher. Used to be at awe by the way he played the keyboards and guitar. Looked a lot like John Lennon :) But I think he had a drinking problem. Felt really bad when I heard that he had come to school after consuming alcohol and was relieved from his post. Fortunately I wasn't there to see that but I still look up to him. Ashok sir was another teacher who really encouraged me to take part in quizzes and literary activities. I still remember how Adhikari sir taught us about protoplasm. Super gross it was!

I hated taking exams but I used to love it when the results came out. I used to mostly stand first in my section except I think once in class 6 or 7, second semester, I came second. Man! I got scolded so bad! Stuck to coming first since then. I don't know where I stood overall though in the class. We had 3 sections. Worst was during the final exams which were held around November. It was so freaking cold then! I had to literally rub my hands to warm them up cause I just couldn't write inspite of knowing the answers. Pathetic! Not a pretty sight when you can't control the rate at which you are thinking and writing. :)

That was the time when I entered the "I Hate Girls" phase. I think all guys go through this phase. Atleast I have heard a lot of guys say that they have been through such a phase where in girls seem like icky things who should be kept under lock and key. Ironically, this was also the time when I had my first crush! Such conflicting feelings! I mean I see some other girl and I am like, "Leave me, I am going to kill her!" and I saw her and I would be like, "Haaaawwww! agali-bogeli-sawqwe-blingabogo-boo!" Ya I know, it didn't make sense then either. I would be usually tongue-tied and my ears would go red. I was so bloody smitten by her :D Super confused I used to be as to what was happening. Unfortunately didn't have anyone to explain me what it was all about. So I just kept it to myself and moved on. I think I was more intelligent then! Hehehehe!

Ya, life was simpler than. I had to worry about homework, exams, scheme ways to have fun and yet not get in trouble, worry about all the pears, guavas and plums that needed to be plucked before someone else took them, worry about how to convince my parents to let me keep the puppy I randomly picked from the street, find out ways so that I didn't have to go to school, avoid taking my bi-weekly baths (ya I used to have a bath twice a week cause it was so bloody cold). People should make a machine where you could go back in time for a day once a year. I think it would sell pretty well :)

All in the game

Its really difficult to write on saturdays and sundays. Partially because I have comparatively a lot more variety of experiences and interactions. Weekdays are mostly dedicated to work and then you can just think about a certain thing and write. But not so on weekends. There are like a million thoughts teeming in my head. I think I really need to learn how to meditate, calm myself and streamline my thoughts.

Human emotions really amaze me because of the level of complexities. And out of all that, the one which is the most complicated I think, is love. I think initially, when humans were planning out words for emotions, love (its a little funny because I am not equipped to say the set of emotions that I am thinking about under the category love) baffled them. So they just wrapped them all in to a single word "Love". What do you feel for your parents? Love. Why do you want to give away your life for this person? Love. Why do you miss your siblings? Love! You must treat everyone with Love. Its crazy!! Get different words for all these different feelings!

That doesn't end the complication or the misery. Love can suddenly become obsession where you lose track of the whole thing. Let us say you like a girl (I am using a girl cause it'll help me explain it better). Now you start getting feelings for her which is very different from the way you feel about others. I am not sure about this but I think I might be. Hear me out. Let us say what you are feeling is love. Now under this situation, you start to think of ways to make her happy. Now it may happen that the poor soul has no idea whatsoever and even if she does, she tells you that she has no similar intentions. But then you realize that your feelings never had a pre-condition. You felt the way you felt without anybody's permission or approval. That I think is unconditional love. Where in there isn't a prior condition for you to start loving someone. Now if the girl feels the same for you then nothing like it. But the pickle is what if she doesn't? There are a number of ways that things can move ahead.

1. You can continue to love her unconditionally but never let her know that. Never do anything that your partner would appreciate in a relationship but not if you are not in one. Just make sure she isn't uncomfortable. Because you would ideally want her to be happy cause you love her. But the question arises. What about you? What about your feelings? Isn't it human to feel negative when you don't get the same response? It is. And if such a thing happens, get out! Simple reason being that this sacred unconditional love that you had for her will suddenly be parched with negativity, lies and conditions. It'll make this beautiful thing very ugly and you would be the one responsible for it.

2. You can try and be her friend. But are you strong enough for that? Can you convert your feelings to something platonic? Will you be able to see her with another person? Someone else getting all the things that you craved day and night for? Are you God? Are you? I think it's possible only if you no longer love her or you have managed to cut those hands off that grab your heart and pull it making it feel heavy and you, breathless. This is very difficult and probably the best end to the failed love story. But its difficult for us mere mortals. It takes a lot of time or if you meet someone who can make you feel the same for her again. But then its difficult to meet someone when you don't want to meet someone. (I am not at all talking about a rebound. Its a lame attempt which just leads to a lot more people getting hurt)

3. Or you just get obsessed with her. You cannot take a "no" for an answer. You see yourself like those movie heroes where the girl gets "pataoed" because of the guys excessive force of emotions (i don't know how else to put it :P ) You start messaging her 50 messages a day. Mail her 10 times. Call her maybe 58 times. Try and stop her on the road. Basically make her life a living hell. She thinks about you all the time but cringes at the thought of you. You make her feel angry, scared and helpless which leads her to fall sick, spiral into depression. How do you justify your acts to yourself? Do you think she'll ever want to be with you? How foolish can you be to think that? How does this scenario end? I don't know. But if something is not done then things can turn extremely nasty.

4. You could just cut off all connections, bear the pain, seed some negativity and hatred for her and try to get her out of your mind. Very difficult, specially when you can't find anything to hate about her, specially if she has never done anything wrong, never tried to take advantage of your feelings for her. Then its just plain will power. You may have to convince yourself a lot but this will probably get you over her. I don't know whether the fire ever is put out this way. Something tell me its just a forceful way to put it out which basically just turns dormant and in time will come back again to confuse you and make you suffer.

There maybe more scenarios, I don't know. But it's all in the game of love. I don't think a lot of though went into defining love. It just makes humans a confused lot. Confusing a bunch of feelings as love, getting hurt, hurting others, making a mess of the whole thing.

TP = Taar Paar

Our college had a few awesome rituals and customs. These were customs passed on from generation to generation (I mean from one batch to the other). "Taar Paar" was one of the first things that our seniors taught us. It was for surviving in the college for the coming four years.

Our college, though worthless, had professors who were extremely paranoid about attendance. Apart from a rare few the others were disastrous. Could seriously screw anyone's enthusiasm for education. Only those who have passed out of my college knows what an achievement it was. (Not to mention that it was under the extremely, uhmmm, how should I put it? awesome university... The Great Mumbai University) I can already see a smile on all those tortured souls who have graduated out of MU :) Peace brothers! Peace! We have been there! Done that!

Alright so back to my story. We, the hostelites of RSCOE, solemnly swear that we are upto no good :), Yup! That was the basic funda. Our college had strict rules about getting back inside the campus. I think the deadline was 7 or something. Don't recall it now. And the guards used to make a huge hue and cry if students came in late, take their ID Cards, complain, and god knows what. Dumasses! Anyways, it didn't suit the students and so they found a way out. It was worse for students who used to come to Bombay on weekends for coaching classes. They generally returned on sunday nights. And if they left without the college's permission, then they would not be let in. The funny thing was that the college would not allow students to come back on weekends even though it was an attempt at trying out ways to pass out and graduate. Of course that didn't stop anyone from leaving the campus at their own will :P

During one of our ragging (oops, introductory sessions) nights, our seniors introduced us to the concept of TP.

"Abey! TP kya hota hai pata hai?"
"Haan bhaiyya! Time Pass"
"Ch!@#y@ hai kya? Time Pass! Abey gadhe yahan Time Pass ke liye TP karna padta hai. TP ka matlab hai Taar Paar. Campus ka Taar Paar karoge to hi kuch kar paoge. Jitni jaldi ho sake seekh lena"
"Theek hai bhaiyya! Kal hi seekh lenge"

Thus we were introduced to the idea of TP. One of our batch-mates who had come earlier and now was a professional TP guy, showed us the route to freedom. A section of the route fell in direct view of the guards, though they used to be generally quite far away. During the day, that was a tricky part. Usually what students did was slip out with the day scholars and return the TP way in the night. But there were emergencies when we needed to leave college during college hours and that too was an issue :( So TP was inevitable.

So we needed to pass that area within a flash of a second, somewhat similar to the cartoons where the sly fox slips from behind tree to tree to reach the hen coop. After that we had to pass through some pretty disgusting areas, with certain areas covered with extremely questionable material. I think I'll skip the Quantitative Analysis of it. We just tried not to step on it.

And then there was a wall with barbed wire on the top. We had to slip between that. Pretty difficult in the beginning but then we got used to it. The adrenaline rush was just awesome! :) Towards the end, there were guys who had literally stopped using the main gate. They TPed, even when we had authorized timeout. :D The authorities obviously knew that something fishy was going on, but never really was able to catch anyone (not in my knowledge). At times when the number of luggages were large, we had accomplices in the hostel, who would throw them out from the windows, once we were out. Getting in with a lot of luggage was a little more difficult. Care had to be taken to make sure that we were not caught between the main road and the point of entry.

It was a fun activity :) More like infiltrating enemy camps and then escaping to freedom after the mission was over :)

Walk On

The whole day passed in a sort of a daze today. I was pretty zonked. Whole body's still aching, extremely sleepy and a little fatigued. So I plan to sleep early today. Get at least 6 hours of sleep. Want to end the friday energetically :)

I am trying yet again to use Netbeans. This is my third attempt at it and something tells me that this time it'll work out. QT4 needs to be controlled too. It's quite different from QT3 and has a steep learning curve. I should have made the shift long back. Anyways, better later than never :P

Really not in a state to write much of significance. I am reading up on what I wrote yesterday and most of the places seem to point to one thing. Think positive. What you think will manifest. Think hurt, negative, sorrow and it'll manifest. Think happy, success, health, love and it'll manifest too. So I am gonna try the positive thing. I have gotto keep walking because there is a greater cause, a higher destination.

Here's a song by U2 called Walk On. It eggs me ahead every time I hear it, reminds me what its all about and all that I'll leave behind.

And love is not the easy thing
The only baggage that you can bring...
And love is not the easy thing...
The only baggage you can bring
Is all that you can't leave behind

And if the darkness is to keep us apart
And if the daylight feels like it's a long way off
And if your glass heart should crack
And for a second you turn back
Oh no, be strong

Walk on, walk on
What you got they can't steal it
No they can't even feel it
Walk on, walk on...
Stay safe tonight

You're packing a suitcase for a place none of us has been
A place that has to be believed to be seen
You could have flown away
A singing bird in an open cage
Who will only fly, only fly for freedom

Walk on, walk on
What you've got they can't deny it
Can't sell it, or buy it
Walk on, walk on
Stay safe tonight

And I know it aches
And your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on, walk on

Home... hard to know what it is if you've never had one
Home... I can't say where it is but I know I'm going home
That's where the heart is

and I know it aches
How your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on, walk on

Leave it behind
You got to leave it behind
All that you fashion
All that you make
All that you build
All that you break
All that you measure
All that you feel
All this you can leave behind
All that you reason
All that you sense
All that you speak
All you dress-up
All that you scheme...

Who's the freak now?

Ever since my spiritual self developed years back, I started questioning religion and existence of God, yet I always believed in a super power, a power which I failed to comprehend. This was mostly because there were many things that my knowledge of science couldn't explain. I have always had a rational look towards life but I have learnt one thing in my life and that knowledge comes from everywhere, everyone and everything. I try not to be so rigid in my thinking that I wouldn't see the truth even if it hit me on my head. I have a lot of weird ideas about different aspects of life which have no valid proof but that doesn't mean that I discard them from my head. Maybe someday I'll be able to prove them, until that day I think most would either consider me a fool or a freak :)

Fortunately I have managed to disregard this to quite a large extent. I believe in the concept of "My Life, My Ideas, My Belief" or in short "My LIB". Makes sense actually. Its more like my private library and it contains books that I like and I would want to have. If you like them, borrow them, if you don't, then don't. I may listen to your review of the books that I have, even your opinion. I might mull them over but don't think I'll throw away my books because you thought it went over your head or you didn't understand them.

What made me believe in the idea that something bigger is happening which I am unaware of or am unable to see, is the fact that there are many incidences in life which seem very mysterious. Usually people attribute such things to co-incidences, luck or intuition. I find it a little illogical or rather a little difficult to stomach. Why should it be that someday when I have this urge from within to hear an old song from childhood that I haven't heard in more than 5 years, suddenly appears on TV. How is it that I crave for a particular flavour of ice-cream and I suddenly get an invitation for dinner and the same flavoured ice-cream is served as dessert? Why is it that a thought about some old friend with whom I am out of touch comes on a day and that very same day I bump in to him in a mall? Coincidences? Who knows?

"Illusion" has repeatedly appeared in my head in different contexts over and over in different phases in my life. It was the name that came to me when I thought as a child that I would like to have a company of mine. It had that element of magic in it. I have come across it in various forms. The movie "The Illusionist" portrayed my belief of what a man can achieve or do when in love and then I finally got hold of the book "Illusions" by Richard Bach. It gave me a lot of answers, I don't know if they are true but I think they have an element of truth in them. It contained a lot of experiences and ideas that had inherently developed in my head. Going through the book just helped me gather my thoughts and try and apply what has been said in the book. A lot of it doesn't make sense and seem impossible. But for now, I am working on the part that I did understand.

The second thing that I have started noticing for the past few months is the number 11:11. I just randomly look at a watch and its 11:11 or a similar repeated number, eg 3:33, 5:55, 12:12 etc. But mostly its 11:11. And it appears in a lot of other places. Any of the machines that I use in the gym with a digital timer. In the beginning, I used to find it amusing but now it has become a little freaky. I recently did a google about it and was amazed to see that there are a lot of people who have experienced this, that I am not alone :) I am still reading about it. I plan to put up stuff about it soon, once I have read enough.

The path of self discovery is a difficult one, but its an exciting one. Everyone should take time out from life to do it. You just might be surprised to know how awesome you are and how unique :)