*Contains explicit material. Parental guidance advised
I am having a very good debate on a post of mine called Soul Curry I have tried to reply to the last post twice since morning and both the times i have lost everything that i typed in. x-( My last attempt consisted of an hour's thinking and typing. I could kill someone right now just for fun.
I am done for tonight. I will attempt again tomorrow. And this time i'll write it in a notepad! Can I just abuse for a change? I AM SO FUCKING ANGRY THAT I COULD FUCKING BLOW SOME STUPID FUCK'S FUCKING BRAIN OUT!!! AAAARRRRGHHH!!!! WHAT THE FUCK WAS THE GOOGLE GUY THINKING!?? PUT A FUCKING AUTO-SAVE ON THE FUCKING COMMENT POSTS TOO!!
Sorry about all the "FUCKs". But I am just too damn pissed off!
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Monday, August 9, 2010
Family Ties
My room is completely rearranged! Had a great time fighting with my dad while doing it. :P Felt like tearing my hair off of my head. Was busy most of the day. One more week to go. My desktop has conked off. It refuses to remain on for more than a minute. I think now I gotto call someone to fix it. Could have tried taking it to office and fixing it but too much hassle and also would end up wasting Suman's time in office.
I have never understood how it feels to be not appreciated by your own family in the way you want to. My family has been great as far as appreciation is concerned. There have been the occasional comparisons with other kids and there have been times when they have felt let down, but I have never felt not appreciated. I can only imagine it and sympathize with those who have had to face such situations.
If its someone else, like your boss or your friend, you can actually get away from them. But what do you do when its your family? When you know that at some level you love them and they love you too (you imagine that atleast). How long before you can take it no more? Can you leave them to live your own way? Would that be termed as deserting them?
I wish I had answers for these but then again I am fortunate that I don't, unless ofcourse there was some other way of finding answers to such things without experienceing them first hand.
I have never understood how it feels to be not appreciated by your own family in the way you want to. My family has been great as far as appreciation is concerned. There have been the occasional comparisons with other kids and there have been times when they have felt let down, but I have never felt not appreciated. I can only imagine it and sympathize with those who have had to face such situations.
If its someone else, like your boss or your friend, you can actually get away from them. But what do you do when its your family? When you know that at some level you love them and they love you too (you imagine that atleast). How long before you can take it no more? Can you leave them to live your own way? Would that be termed as deserting them?
I wish I had answers for these but then again I am fortunate that I don't, unless ofcourse there was some other way of finding answers to such things without experienceing them first hand.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Chicken Chicken pe likha hai khaane wale ka naam
Another saturday... gone! So what? :P With my current mindset, days have no meaning. The only worry that is on my mind right now is where should I go for a holiday? And if I think for a while, there are at least a 100 things I need to do before I leave for Pune. I need to find and organize all my papers, get a medical check up done from some place far-far-away! I hope they have some place in New Bombay where I can get the medical done. I should also be worried about where to stay once I go there. Thing is, if I sit and think, there are a lot of things to be worried about but I choose not to. :) How awesome!?
Me, the king of worries has chosen to stare at "worries" and give it the finger. I am gonna be so bloody screwed! Lol!! Ya, that's how crazy I have become. One more realization! My site is never going to be completed. I feel pretty lost when I look at it :P Quite a lot to do in it. Generating content is whats cooking my brain.
Decided to finally advertise the blog a bit. I think this blog will survive :) I did manage to cross a 100 posts. I think I have finally managed to get into the habit of writing regularly. Thinking of topics is not that easy though :(
Here's an incident from our recent office picnic. Bhakti, Suman and myself had returned from an extremely long walk in the rain and were famished! I was particularly dying for some food and I was hoping with all my heart that there was some non-veg food available. Went to the buffet and by the time I reached the end of it, I realized that there was no non-veg in there. I was a little sad when I decided to look around and spotted a chicken dish somewhere in the corner. Went and loaded my plate. I went back to where I was sitting and was surprised to see that non of the guys had spotted it. Asked them, why they hadn't taken any and a colleague decided to go and get it. By the time I was half way through my food, Suman came with his plate loaded, sans the chicken. Told him that the chicken was in the corner. Accompanied him to get some more, only to realize that the pot had vanished and there was just hot water used to keep the now missing chicken pot hot. (That is one weird sentence :D) I went up and asked the manager where the chicken was.
The bugger asks me which group I belonged to and tells me that the chicken was not for our group :P Unfortunately, I had already done my part and all that remained of my supposed "veg-food" were some bones. Poor guy just looked at my plate and said, "Koi baat nahi". God me and the other fortunate colleague laughed so much. Unfortunate for Suman though.
Another proof, "jab sachche dil se kuch maangoge to use dilaane mein puuri kayanaat tumhe madad karti hai!" ;)
Me, the king of worries has chosen to stare at "worries" and give it the finger. I am gonna be so bloody screwed! Lol!! Ya, that's how crazy I have become. One more realization! My site is never going to be completed. I feel pretty lost when I look at it :P Quite a lot to do in it. Generating content is whats cooking my brain.
Decided to finally advertise the blog a bit. I think this blog will survive :) I did manage to cross a 100 posts. I think I have finally managed to get into the habit of writing regularly. Thinking of topics is not that easy though :(
Here's an incident from our recent office picnic. Bhakti, Suman and myself had returned from an extremely long walk in the rain and were famished! I was particularly dying for some food and I was hoping with all my heart that there was some non-veg food available. Went to the buffet and by the time I reached the end of it, I realized that there was no non-veg in there. I was a little sad when I decided to look around and spotted a chicken dish somewhere in the corner. Went and loaded my plate. I went back to where I was sitting and was surprised to see that non of the guys had spotted it. Asked them, why they hadn't taken any and a colleague decided to go and get it. By the time I was half way through my food, Suman came with his plate loaded, sans the chicken. Told him that the chicken was in the corner. Accompanied him to get some more, only to realize that the pot had vanished and there was just hot water used to keep the now missing chicken pot hot. (That is one weird sentence :D) I went up and asked the manager where the chicken was.
The bugger asks me which group I belonged to and tells me that the chicken was not for our group :P Unfortunately, I had already done my part and all that remained of my supposed "veg-food" were some bones. Poor guy just looked at my plate and said, "Koi baat nahi". God me and the other fortunate colleague laughed so much. Unfortunate for Suman though.
Another proof, "jab sachche dil se kuch maangoge to use dilaane mein puuri kayanaat tumhe madad karti hai!" ;)
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Soul curry
Hmmm... 100 posts and I vanish. Well things have been a little busy for the fast few days. But I think I can now get back to my regular posting. My stint with Zeus Numerix is almost up. Another week and I'll temporarily become an unemployed youth (yes! I still fall under the category of youth :P). I have plans of travelling a bit during my brief unemployed status but the way things are going, I do not know where I'll end up. I was looking forward to making plans to visit Leh/Ladakh. I had only thought of making plans and the freaking place gets flooded and cut off from the rest of India. Army personnel are rescuing people. And to think, Leh is in a rain shadow area. Bloody Hell!
Alright, so here is a brief about things I talked about with my Dadi aka my godmother. I'll probably elaborate on posts later on but for now, just a jist.
I had a doubts about life, it's purpose and whether this existence is all that its about. Always made the whole idea of life pretty pointless. You are born, you push, pull and trod on others all your life to get ahead (of what I do not know) and then you die. The concept of souls, re-births, past lives intrigued me quite a bit. The idea seemed interesting and probably as these concepts are present in all religions and parts of the world.
I asked her about it and this is what I understood, your soul is your energy or the entity which remains and is indestructible. Follows the same funda as that in science. Energy cannot be created or destroyed. It can only change its form and state. Soul can be thought of as an intelligent energy entity which initiates in a basic raw form and grows into a state when it can join in to the singular energy source (call it what you may. God is an option). The soul enters the living world in the form of various living organisms and with each birth grows and becomes more powerful. You are born as various animals, worms, trees and other organisms till your soul reaches a state where it can be born as a human. As a human, its main aim is to live a life in such a manner that the soul need not be born again. And this is possible through, positive things in life and doing things such that you are remembered after you are gone in a positive way. Only when you are debt free, will you cease to be born.
The soul has no gender. As a result you may be a man in one life while a woman in another. Sounds logical, as I always wondered, how is it possible that a woman will never know what it feels like to be a man and vice versa. How will you empathize and understand the opposite sex unless you have lived their life?
Questions such as why should I be proud or jealous of someone else, when your aim is to advance, not in your living realm but in your soul realm. Your aim is to merge with the source of energy. Everyone will. It only depends how fast. And the speed depends on how you live your life. Would you like to be in debt with other souls, so that you are reborn till you pay it off or rather live a life such that you die content, satisfied and at peace.
Apparently that is what life is. Spend your life in such a way that people remember you after you are gone and help others advance in the journey towards the light. For your progress depends on their adavancement.
Alright, so here is a brief about things I talked about with my Dadi aka my godmother. I'll probably elaborate on posts later on but for now, just a jist.
I had a doubts about life, it's purpose and whether this existence is all that its about. Always made the whole idea of life pretty pointless. You are born, you push, pull and trod on others all your life to get ahead (of what I do not know) and then you die. The concept of souls, re-births, past lives intrigued me quite a bit. The idea seemed interesting and probably as these concepts are present in all religions and parts of the world.
I asked her about it and this is what I understood, your soul is your energy or the entity which remains and is indestructible. Follows the same funda as that in science. Energy cannot be created or destroyed. It can only change its form and state. Soul can be thought of as an intelligent energy entity which initiates in a basic raw form and grows into a state when it can join in to the singular energy source (call it what you may. God is an option). The soul enters the living world in the form of various living organisms and with each birth grows and becomes more powerful. You are born as various animals, worms, trees and other organisms till your soul reaches a state where it can be born as a human. As a human, its main aim is to live a life in such a manner that the soul need not be born again. And this is possible through, positive things in life and doing things such that you are remembered after you are gone in a positive way. Only when you are debt free, will you cease to be born.
The soul has no gender. As a result you may be a man in one life while a woman in another. Sounds logical, as I always wondered, how is it possible that a woman will never know what it feels like to be a man and vice versa. How will you empathize and understand the opposite sex unless you have lived their life?
Questions such as why should I be proud or jealous of someone else, when your aim is to advance, not in your living realm but in your soul realm. Your aim is to merge with the source of energy. Everyone will. It only depends how fast. And the speed depends on how you live your life. Would you like to be in debt with other souls, so that you are reborn till you pay it off or rather live a life such that you die content, satisfied and at peace.
Apparently that is what life is. Spend your life in such a way that people remember you after you are gone and help others advance in the journey towards the light. For your progress depends on their adavancement.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
100!
My 100th post! Yesterday was the first time that I skipped posting in the last 3 months. Partially cause I didn't have anything clear to write about and partially because I was watching a movie. :P
Spent most of the day listening and occasionally questioning. Expecting tomorrow to be a more enlightening day. A lot more thought needs to be put in. Plan to take a leave tomorrow too.
Feeling extremely restless and I know what the reason is. Can't do anything about it. Just continue feeling this way and carry on. I have never asked much but I guess at times even not-much is too much to ask for. Tragic. Specially when you are bloody sure you deserve it :) I hate the fact that I do not have any control over where things are going and I hate that. I hate it when I do not have control over the outcomes and circumstances.
All I need is a confirmation of the Grand Finale but apparently no one knows it. No one seems to have the answer to the riddle. I feel like the supporting actor of my own story. Its not a good role, specially when its your story. And the biggest problem is that I don't want to give it all up, leave it behind and walk on. I just keep getting the feeling that its not the end yet. There's still more to the story, the climax is yet to come and I hope that it has a happy ending, I like happy endings. Sad endings leave a bigger impact but the former leaves you satisfied at the end and makes it all worth while. All good!
Spent most of the day listening and occasionally questioning. Expecting tomorrow to be a more enlightening day. A lot more thought needs to be put in. Plan to take a leave tomorrow too.
Feeling extremely restless and I know what the reason is. Can't do anything about it. Just continue feeling this way and carry on. I have never asked much but I guess at times even not-much is too much to ask for. Tragic. Specially when you are bloody sure you deserve it :) I hate the fact that I do not have any control over where things are going and I hate that. I hate it when I do not have control over the outcomes and circumstances.
All I need is a confirmation of the Grand Finale but apparently no one knows it. No one seems to have the answer to the riddle. I feel like the supporting actor of my own story. Its not a good role, specially when its your story. And the biggest problem is that I don't want to give it all up, leave it behind and walk on. I just keep getting the feeling that its not the end yet. There's still more to the story, the climax is yet to come and I hope that it has a happy ending, I like happy endings. Sad endings leave a bigger impact but the former leaves you satisfied at the end and makes it all worth while. All good!
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
What is the question?
I am just not getting enough time to sit with her and clarify my doubts. The situation is just not arising. I wanted to go and meet her in Agartala to talk about it and now that she is at my house, I have not talked about it :( Pathetic! The whole day went by doing the weirdest things. I am gonna go back to work tomorrow and get some routine into my life.
Even she has no idea about what I am upto as far as a part of my life is concerned. Maybe if she understands my thinking and point of view, she'll be able to make some sense out of the whole thing. I guess I need a full on divine intervention. LOL!
Answers never come easy, specially when you don't know what the real question is...
Even she has no idea about what I am upto as far as a part of my life is concerned. Maybe if she understands my thinking and point of view, she'll be able to make some sense out of the whole thing. I guess I need a full on divine intervention. LOL!
Answers never come easy, specially when you don't know what the real question is...
Monday, August 2, 2010
And the doctors are back!
Had a very painful day today and by painful I mean my body is aching everywhere possible. My lower back is killing me and so are my calves. All my medically educated friends are back in town for good. My ophthalmologist friend is back in Bombay with her radiologist hubby. So is my psycho friend (I mean psychiatrist). Had a get-together lunch with them and had a really fun time.
Apart from that, I spent the whole day chatting with Dida. Spoke a lot about different things. Extremely thought provoking and inspirational. I still need to start talking about things that has been bothering me for a very long time now. Maybe she can give me some inputs, a little guidance towards the direction that may hold some answers.
The problem is that I have read too many theories and explanations. At times, its difficult to figure out what is it that is actually happening. So the search for answers only introduce you to more doubts making the whole process that much more difficult. But then again, that's what makes it fun :)
I think picnic details are gonna take more time. :P
Apart from that, I spent the whole day chatting with Dida. Spoke a lot about different things. Extremely thought provoking and inspirational. I still need to start talking about things that has been bothering me for a very long time now. Maybe she can give me some inputs, a little guidance towards the direction that may hold some answers.
The problem is that I have read too many theories and explanations. At times, its difficult to figure out what is it that is actually happening. So the search for answers only introduce you to more doubts making the whole process that much more difficult. But then again, that's what makes it fun :)
I think picnic details are gonna take more time. :P
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