Silly lies

I think everyone has these silly lies that they say at times. Very silly actually. Thing is, work on our building expansion is on. It was decided that the electricity supply will be provided by the people of the floor in which the work is currently happening. Now one day the guys from the flat below, said that the point from which they were supplying power was not working and the wire wasn't big enough for another point. So they requested us to give. We thought it was a genuine problem and agreed. Soon we realized that every other day, something is wrong with their board and the workers come to us for power. So we finally refused to give anymore and said that let the work stop, we don't give a damn. Miraculously their board started working :)

That reminded me of these little lies I used to say as a kid. Seriously stupid and at the same time worthless lies. One of my favourite was, "Paani jutha hai. Nahi de sakta" :P Whenever someone asked me for water. I used to carry one of those Milton water bottles to school. I was quite young back then. The second was when I was older. Still in school but maybe class 8 - 9. I used to hate people sitting behind my cycle. My favourite excuse, "Peeche ke tire mein hawa kam hai. Mat baith warna fuut jayega" Heheheheh!! God knows what my problem was.

After growing up I think the best excuse to avoid anything is, "Sorry dude, can't make it. I am a little busy". I think Man started working just so that he could use it as an excuse to avoid going to places he doesn't want to, meeting people he just wants to stay away from and generally avoid anything he dislikes. :) Mobile is a source of EVIL!!! One can create such awesome lies using it :D
1. I am sorry. I can't hear you.
2. I was just about to call you.
3. Sorry my phone was in silent.
4. It was in another room.
5. My outgoing was barred (This used to be one of the best ones)


Disclaimer: I am not saying that these aren't genuine reasons. They are, but seriously don't you think you have used one of the above at least once to wiggle out of calling someone or avoid talking?? I know you did! Come on Don't Lie!

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

*This is a very long post

I used to really dislike going to my Dad's office parties. Partially because there were never anyone of my age and secondly I didn't understand the need for me to be there. Specially during my late teens, I used to detest going to these parties. Since my Dad worked as a Brew Master (he made beer), alcoholic beverages never fell short. Unfortunately, I don't drink and hence could never make use of this unlimited supply of beer.

During one of these boring parties (I think I was around 19 then), I had grabbed one of my favourite orange drinks and was generally looking for a quiet place to sit and waste my time away, when I came across a bunch of kids ranging from, I guess 8 to 14. They were kind enough to invite me to join the "bachcha party" and I gladly obliged, in spite of the fact, that I knew I would be soon bored out of my wits.

It was fun talking with the kids about school, books and cartoons. At times, it's fun to talk to kids. It reminds me how different our look towards life was then, how different our worries were. Worrying about homework, scheming excuses for uncompleted work, worrying about exams. These worries seem so inconsequential now and yet at their age, they were extremely genuine problems.

We were talking about classics they were being asked to read at school and how they found stories like Tom Sawyer, Robinson Crusoe and Count of Monte Cristo interesting while they found stories by Charles Dickens extremely boring and depressing. I was telling them about stories I liked as a kid, about Sherlock Holmes, Asterix and Tintin. Things were going pretty nice till I mentioned about "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde".

I had noticed that one of the kids was pretty quiet. He must have been around 14 - 15 I guess. He wasn't talking much, though he kept looking at me. Apart from the basic introduction, the only thing he had asked me was "Bhaiya, how come you are not drinking like the rest? Is it because your parents are here?"  I told him that I didn't like the taste of any of the drinks and that I didn't like the idea of losing control over myself. He just smiled and nodded. The next words I heard from him were "I don't like that story", when I mentioned Jekyll & Hyde. I asked him why but all he did was smile and and said, "I'll tell you later." I didn't push him about it and soon we started talking about other stuff.

I had left them and was talking to some of the management trainees of the company (they were a little closer to my age group) when I saw the kid walk up to me.

"You know why I don't like the story of Jekyll and Mr Hyde?"
"Nope. Why don't you like it?"
He whispers to me, "I know Dr. Jekyll."
I was taken by surprise, "What?"
"I know a guy who is like Dr Jekyll."He points to a guy and asks, "Do you know him?"
"Isnt he your Dad?"
"Yes! He is like Dr Jekyll!"

I didn't understand what he was getting at. I said, "I am sorry, I don't understand what you are trying to say."
We walked to an empty area and sat down and he started explaining.
"You know how in the story, Dr. Jekyll is a nice guy, but then when he drinks that potion he makes, he becomes Mr Hyde and does bad things?"
"Yes"
"My Dad is like that. He is a nice man but when he drinks he becomes like Mr. Hyde."

I was totally shocked. I had never looked at the story from that angle and suddenly it was crystal clear. The story was such a beautiful metaphor for alcoholism. A normal man, consumes alcohol and turns into a beast. What could be simpler?

He continued, "Whenever he drinks a lot, he changes in to this person I am really scared of. He becomes angry for no reason, his eye's become red, and he talks in a funny way. I don't like him when he gets drunk. He fights with mom and screams at her. At times he falls down and hurts himself. I don't like it when people laugh and make jokes about him behind his back when he is drunk. I don't like those uncles who makes him drink more".

I glanced at his Dad. I had met him numerous times but never knew that he had a drinking problem. He was a very nice and respected man. I had spoken to him numerous times. A very jolly, interesting person. I couldn't imagine him like the way the kid explained.
"How long has this been going on?"
"I don't know. Ever since I remember. Always I guess."
"Haven't you spoken to him?"
"I don't feel like talking about it when he is not drunk. And I don't think he listens when he is drunk."
"Do you dislike your Dad?"
"No. I love him. He loves mom and me a lot. But I don't know what happens to him when he drinks. I have seen mother cry too but I don't know what to do."

I did not know what to tell him. I don't know why he was telling me all this but I had no idea what to tell him. I did not know what to ask him, whether it would be intrusion on privacy.
"Has he ever hit your mother?"
"I don't know. I go to my room and sit. I can only hear them shout. I used to cry when I was a kid but now I don't feel like it. At times he comes to my room to talk to me when he is drunk. But I feel too scared to hear what he says. I just pray that he goes away. Sometimes I pretend to sleep. Then he doesn't stay. He goes away."
"Don't you think you should talk to him and tell him that you are scared? That you do not like him like that." I asked.
"I don't know how to. I talk to mom. Mom talks to him. He doesn't drink for a week and then starts again."

I was caught in a very weird situation. I felt sad at the kid's state. He was caught between loving Jekyll and being scared of Hyde. Two sides of the same coin. And yet I didn't know how to help him. I think he probably understood my precarious situation. He smiled and said,
"Don't worry. I just wanted to tell you why I don't like the story. I am used to it now. We are all used to it now. He is changing slowly. I believe he'll change one day. And I have promised my Mom, that I'll never be like him. I'll make sure that my wife and kids don't go through the same thing."
I stared at him at disbelief, at his maturity in handling the situation while he stood up.
"I have to go now. I think my parents are leaving."

I bid him goodbye and looked at him go and join his parents. There were a million things running through my head. It's funny how the person drinking never realizes how he is affecting the people he his around, people who love him and care for him. I was amazed at the kids maturity. He must have gone through so much of quiet mental abuse (maybe indirectly) and yet he has kept a check of what is right and what is wrong. Or maybe he is still confused about the whole thing. He just knows the cause of all his problems and he has decided that he will not create them for others.

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde has never been the same for me ever since. I have not met him since then. I hope he turned out well. It took a 14 year old kid to show me a very different side of life. I think he is one of the reasons that I have abstained from drinks. I politely decline when people try to convince me to drink. I could never explain them my reasons, I things some lessons are to be learnt from 14 year olds kids only.

A recovering (Im)patient

At times, I think it's best not to think about it. The "it" could be anything. I was talking about change last night and there has been a lot of changes in me recently. Is it noticeable? I do not know. But I know one thing for sure and that is I have started seeing my flaws. And I want to improve them. I am extremely impulsive and impatient. I am working on the impatience part, which indirectly leads to jumping to conclusions. And as most knows, everyone jumps to the wrong conclusions.

What I am slowly realizing is that, impatience leads to projecting your inner fears about the situation and then coming to a conclusion which you don't want to happen. But since you think that its the worst case scenario that is inevitably going to happen, you tend to get more frustrated. Though, later on you realize that all the time and energy you spent thinking about all those worst case scenarios was a total waste. Because in reality, nothing really happened. I think the better option is to take things at face value and wait for the plot to unfurl.

The impulsive part is not totally negative. The impulsive acts of the gut are never wrong. Never deny them. But doing things impulsively without giving it a second thought can be dangerous. Those need to be checked. I am very particular about them and try my best not to do something or say something that could hurt someone unknowingly.

Change

I really don't know how to categorize the day today. It was as if I was in some sort of a twilight zone. The day began extremely normal, but then things started picking up. I am not the kind of guy who likes change. But then there are times when you cannot avoid it. Its good to properly space out change in your life but when different facets of your life starts changing simultaneously, it becomes a little overwhelming.

I think its a lot more easier dealing with it once you come to terms with it. If you believe that you were not just a result of a night of passion and that your existence has a reason, then I guess it becomes easier to deal with the idea of change. You change and move ahead to fulfill your "raison d'être", your reason for being. And suddenly the small sacrifices or rather problems that you face due to the change becomes negligible and you realize that it's all for the good.

Though there is one question which I still need to think about. Everyone wants a life which is secure and comfortable. But aren't these two ideas in opposition to change? You wouldn't want to change your way of living or circumstance if its secure and comfortable. You wouldn't want to change it. But then again to grow, you need to change. In that case, I guess one needs to define growth. Each may have his own definition of it but as long as everyone has a growth plan, its all alright. So what it all boils down to is that everyone wants security and comfort (a static state) but everyone needs to change for growth (live a dynamic life). Its again an issue of "want" and "need" :)

Another observation from the above point is that what if we keep changing? Never enter a comfort zone that renders us static. Every time you see that you are getting comfortable, move on, leave your comfort behind and pursue the growth (provided you have defined it). Something like the character in the movie "Bawarchi". You step into a place which needs your input and which in exchange helps you fulfill a part of your reason for existence and then once you are satisfied with your work, you leave.

Sports

Slovakia 3 - 2 Italy
Can't get over the fact that Italy's out of the World Cup. There have been quite some upsets this WC like Germany and Spain losing to teams which normally people wouldn't expect them to lose against. France standing last in their group and exiting. But Italy's out too! I think there was a time long back when I used to really like the team (Baggio used to play for Italy then). This year Argentina has been playing well and so has Brazil. But the great thing about this WC is that newer teams are causing some major upsets. Its time that the favourites started working harder and really play worth the furore.

Weirder shit was happening at Wimbledon between Nicolas Mahut and John Isner. These guys played for more than 10 hours spread over 3 days with a final score 4-6,6-3, 7-6, 6-7, 68-70. I really don't understand much about the game or technique but I am amazed at their stamina and energy!

The last sporting news of the day... India won the Asia Cup against Sri Lanka after 15 years. The best thing was that the team was new with young guys in the side. I had obviously not watched the match, for India's benefit :P

...which brings me to the jinx between me and cricket matches. I do not know how this weird shit started but I think it was IPL. My dad has always been a die hard sports fan, specially cricket and football. A true Bong I guess :P I used to be an avid sports fan. Loved to sit and watch matches with Dad and his gang as a kid. I still remember the way we used to watch cricket matches in college. Everyone would reach the TV Hall (it was more of an open space in between 2 wings of the hostel) with plastic chairs and try and grab the best area. We used to have such an awesome time watching matches there.

And then IPL began and that's when the equations changed. Stupid Kolkata Knight Riders would never win a match when I would sit and watch. Extremely embarrassing. And my Dad thought that it was me who mysteriously held the key to KKR's pathetic performance. Apparently every time I stepped into the room, a KKR player would get out and on days when I didn't watch the match, they would win. I thought I would actually experiment with it and see if that's how it happened. In the beginning, it appeared so. Every time I was out and not watching a KKR match, they would win and conveniently lose on days I did watch. Bloody creepy! In fact a few of my friends found it pretty amusing and it served them as a new source of amusement :P But soon I realized that KKR didn't need me to lose the matches. They did it all on their own! My Dad wasn't too happy because that was probably the last hope he had of finding a reason for KKR's abysmal performance. The reason he hoped was me (Mom has always been considered the reason for India losing all their matches :P )

Well now I don't really care much about sports, I like playing though and I do when I get the time/opportunity. But watching tends to pressure my patience nerve to the extent of it bursting open :P.

A crazy night!

There are days when nothing seems to go right. And then there are nights that are worse :P Well last night was such a night. It had started raining in the evening yesterday and by the time I got back home I had decided that there was no way I was going to the gym. I was a little excited about these UML diagrams that I had started working with and wanted to continue on that.

Unfortunately, that was not to be. Lights went of within half an hour of me reaching home. Normally that wouldn't be an issue but then again, yesterday, our inverter wasn't working. Something had gone wrong in the afternoon and the electrician who had come to fix it apparently didn't do a good job (this we figured out when the lights went off and the inverter did not work) So we sat in the dark hoping that the lights would come back soon. Thanks to the rain, the weather was pretty good and it wasn't that hot.

As luck would have it, the lights didn't come by the time we hit bed. I had a weird feeling all evening in my stomach and at around 2 in the night, things got clearer. I got a tummy ache and I ended shuttling all night between the loo and my room. Lights came back around 5 in the morning, but by then I was almost half dead. I hadn't slept all night, felt extremely weak and by the time it was time to get up for work, my whole body was aching, had a terrible headache, stomach was still out of control with a cyclic I-wanna-die type of pain.

Skipped work and slept most of the day. I hope things get better by tomorrow.

Get It? v2.0

Last night's post was pretty shitty. I felt it while writing and later the comments reconfirmed the same. Day was pretty normal, nothing unusual or exciting, so let me just get straight to what I was trying to say.

It was end of 2004. CAT had bombed (not that I really expected anything out of it. got some lame 90 percentile or something). I was least interested in a MBA degree and really wanted to get into the Software Industry. 4 years of Electronics had proved that it was not the field for me. During those days, I had only heard of Infosys, Satyam, Patni and a few other companies. My dream job was at Infosys. I soon realized that getting an opportunity to prove myself wasn't that easy. I applied to a lot of places and I was jubilated when I got a call to attend the written test from Infosys. It wasn't really difficult but I was extremely panicky. I got a super high when I realized that I had got through the written test.

I was to attend the next round of interview. I heard from friends that the written test is the difficult one. Everyone breezes through the second one. That cooled me down a bit but seriously speaking, I was at the verge of a nervous breakdown. On the day of the interview, I tried to brain wash myself saying that, "It's just an interview, don't worry". Things were fine till I reached the hotel where the interview was scheduled. I didn't realize when it happened but instead of concentrating on how to get through the interview, I had started worrying about what would happen if I didn't get through. Self doubt crept in. I over looked the fact that I had made it that far and started worrying about how the other candidates might be better than me. My complete approach to the interview had changed. I started sweating, my heart was jumping out of my mouth and by the time I was called, I was like a zombie with no control over my thoughts or actions. I don't remember how much crap I gave there, but I do remember that they had given me an analytical problem based on the pendulum theory. Basically based upon the (1/2*pi)*square_root(L/g) formula. I gave such a shitty answer that I actually feel embarrassed thinking about it now. But, the answer didn't strike me then. I came out, confident that I was out of Infosys. I went out, caught a taxi, got in and the answer struck me.

I got into a depression after that but after a week of lamenting, I shook myself up and started applying again. Got a call from a gaming company called Paradox Studios. Went there, a little more experienced and little more chilled. But of course, the tech interview was a lot more difficult than Infy's. Luckily the guy who interviewed me, saw that it was just the nerves that was killing me, so he gave me a small project to do and gave me a week's time. I did it in 3 days and sent it over. I got the job. I realized this time that the thing I did right this time, was that I didn't worry about not getting in. I just went and did whatever I could with the limited knowledge I had.

Then I learnt the real lesson. I got an interview call from Reliance Infocomm. Was least bothered about it and somewhere deep inside, I actually didn't want to get through Reliance. I casually walked in, sat for God knows how long, drank some tea and then got interviewed. I was super confident, didn't matter whether I was giving right answers or wrong. Thing is, I really didn't care. My job there was to give the interview, I had nothing to lose, it wasn't a do or die situation, I already had an interesting job in hand. As a result I was in my natural state, absolutely chilled and relaxed. I got the job.

In all the 3 cases, nothing had changed as far as me or my knowledge was concerned. The only difference was my attitude and approach to it. The idea is to be relaxed and give your best shot with a positive attitude (though best shot without an attitude also works :P) I had just stopped thinking about what would happen if I didn't get the job. Instead, I just concentrated on the job at hand, ie the interview. I think this applies to a lot of things in life. At times, we are so afraid that we will not get something that we stop concentrating on how to get it and start panicking about the lack of it. We end up doing stupid things, which makes sure that whatever probability there was of success just goes down the drain. Like a final nail to the coffin.

The problem is, trying to convince your mind to be in a state of peace and positivity when it is a do or die situation. :)