Pages

Thursday, June 24, 2010

A crazy night!

There are days when nothing seems to go right. And then there are nights that are worse :P Well last night was such a night. It had started raining in the evening yesterday and by the time I got back home I had decided that there was no way I was going to the gym. I was a little excited about these UML diagrams that I had started working with and wanted to continue on that.

Unfortunately, that was not to be. Lights went of within half an hour of me reaching home. Normally that wouldn't be an issue but then again, yesterday, our inverter wasn't working. Something had gone wrong in the afternoon and the electrician who had come to fix it apparently didn't do a good job (this we figured out when the lights went off and the inverter did not work) So we sat in the dark hoping that the lights would come back soon. Thanks to the rain, the weather was pretty good and it wasn't that hot.

As luck would have it, the lights didn't come by the time we hit bed. I had a weird feeling all evening in my stomach and at around 2 in the night, things got clearer. I got a tummy ache and I ended shuttling all night between the loo and my room. Lights came back around 5 in the morning, but by then I was almost half dead. I hadn't slept all night, felt extremely weak and by the time it was time to get up for work, my whole body was aching, had a terrible headache, stomach was still out of control with a cyclic I-wanna-die type of pain.

Skipped work and slept most of the day. I hope things get better by tomorrow.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Get It? v2.0

Last night's post was pretty shitty. I felt it while writing and later the comments reconfirmed the same. Day was pretty normal, nothing unusual or exciting, so let me just get straight to what I was trying to say.

It was end of 2004. CAT had bombed (not that I really expected anything out of it. got some lame 90 percentile or something). I was least interested in a MBA degree and really wanted to get into the Software Industry. 4 years of Electronics had proved that it was not the field for me. During those days, I had only heard of Infosys, Satyam, Patni and a few other companies. My dream job was at Infosys. I soon realized that getting an opportunity to prove myself wasn't that easy. I applied to a lot of places and I was jubilated when I got a call to attend the written test from Infosys. It wasn't really difficult but I was extremely panicky. I got a super high when I realized that I had got through the written test.

I was to attend the next round of interview. I heard from friends that the written test is the difficult one. Everyone breezes through the second one. That cooled me down a bit but seriously speaking, I was at the verge of a nervous breakdown. On the day of the interview, I tried to brain wash myself saying that, "It's just an interview, don't worry". Things were fine till I reached the hotel where the interview was scheduled. I didn't realize when it happened but instead of concentrating on how to get through the interview, I had started worrying about what would happen if I didn't get through. Self doubt crept in. I over looked the fact that I had made it that far and started worrying about how the other candidates might be better than me. My complete approach to the interview had changed. I started sweating, my heart was jumping out of my mouth and by the time I was called, I was like a zombie with no control over my thoughts or actions. I don't remember how much crap I gave there, but I do remember that they had given me an analytical problem based on the pendulum theory. Basically based upon the (1/2*pi)*square_root(L/g) formula. I gave such a shitty answer that I actually feel embarrassed thinking about it now. But, the answer didn't strike me then. I came out, confident that I was out of Infosys. I went out, caught a taxi, got in and the answer struck me.

I got into a depression after that but after a week of lamenting, I shook myself up and started applying again. Got a call from a gaming company called Paradox Studios. Went there, a little more experienced and little more chilled. But of course, the tech interview was a lot more difficult than Infy's. Luckily the guy who interviewed me, saw that it was just the nerves that was killing me, so he gave me a small project to do and gave me a week's time. I did it in 3 days and sent it over. I got the job. I realized this time that the thing I did right this time, was that I didn't worry about not getting in. I just went and did whatever I could with the limited knowledge I had.

Then I learnt the real lesson. I got an interview call from Reliance Infocomm. Was least bothered about it and somewhere deep inside, I actually didn't want to get through Reliance. I casually walked in, sat for God knows how long, drank some tea and then got interviewed. I was super confident, didn't matter whether I was giving right answers or wrong. Thing is, I really didn't care. My job there was to give the interview, I had nothing to lose, it wasn't a do or die situation, I already had an interesting job in hand. As a result I was in my natural state, absolutely chilled and relaxed. I got the job.

In all the 3 cases, nothing had changed as far as me or my knowledge was concerned. The only difference was my attitude and approach to it. The idea is to be relaxed and give your best shot with a positive attitude (though best shot without an attitude also works :P) I had just stopped thinking about what would happen if I didn't get the job. Instead, I just concentrated on the job at hand, ie the interview. I think this applies to a lot of things in life. At times, we are so afraid that we will not get something that we stop concentrating on how to get it and start panicking about the lack of it. We end up doing stupid things, which makes sure that whatever probability there was of success just goes down the drain. Like a final nail to the coffin.

The problem is, trying to convince your mind to be in a state of peace and positivity when it is a do or die situation. :)

Monday, June 21, 2010

Get it?

Today was an interesting day :) Observation of the day:

There are times when you want something and you would do anything for it. And at such times, you never realize when your focus on getting it turns into fear of not getting it. In the beginning you are all hopeful about how nice it would be to have it and then as time progresses, before you realize it, you are so afraid of losing what you don't have (messing up such that you don't get it) that your focus changes from getting it, to not losing it (which actually you never had). The outcome is inevitable. You don't get it to lose it.

The case is worse when you are not in a bargaining position or you feel you aren't in one. Then it becomes more difficult. And then when you approach the same situation from a different perspective, things turn out way different. What I mean is when you are not approaching it with the fear of not getting it you are more in your natural element and you don't botch up things. As a result, you end up getting it.

Bottom line I think is to be just "be bindaas! Hai hi nahi to na hone ka kya :D" And then the wheels will turn to help you get that you don't have and keep that you do.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

My God was just a Man

*This is a long post.
I am really blue about my dance practice. :( And I can't stop cribbing about it. I feel like head butting with the wall. Anyways no point in fretting over that. Tomorrow's Father's Day. The feeling about the concept is very similar to Mother's Day. I am not comfortable expressing what I feel to my parents, more so, when Dad is concerned. I'll talk about how a relationship between a father and son changes over time. It's again my take on it but I think it's more or less same with all guys. I had once written a piece about my relationship with my Dad, somewhere in college. It was a weird phase. Growing up is weird I guess. :) Recently found it. I retouched it a bit and put it up tonight. I am pretty positive that he'll never know about it. So that makes me comfortable.

It's a rather typical behaviour of human beings to depend on a higher power. A powerful being on whom one can depend, who can be blamed when things go wrong, who can give you hope when nothing seems to be going right. Everyone has their own God to trouble. I had one too and to a certain extent He still stands behind me supporting me as I walk on in life and pulls me out of the occasional ditches which unseeingly, I walk right into. He is not an immortal, ten limbed, four headed, tiger riding creature but just a normal God fearing, man. He's just my dad.

From the day the word "Father" made sense to me, I have been an avid fan of his. He was my Hero, the all knowing, omnipotent man. Everything he told me was a new amazing fact, a rule to be followed, a truth that cannot be doubted. He was the coolest guy in the crowd, the best of the lot. He was the one whom I ran to when my Mom would not listen, who would play to all my whims and childish fantasies, who would make sure I got my “Tintin” and “Famous Five” every month.

But then life wouldn’t be so interesting if things were so simple and happy. Education and life seem to gang up against me and teach me some bitter truths of life. The day came when I started making decisions and accepting facts based on what was right and what was wrong (the day I discovered my conscience). A trivial incident of accidentally reading my dad’s speech turned my world upside down. I realized that the speech which my dad was supposed to give the next day had mistakes in it. But how could that be? He never makes mistakes. All these years, there was no one who could speak better english than my dad. Then how did he make such mistakes? I couldn’t believe it but the mistakes stared at me from the white sheet, mocking my belief. Strange questions started troubling me. Had he always been making mistakes? All these years of blind faith that I had in him, was it all a mistake? My life seemed to be in a turmoil. My faith was being questioned by a jury of faceless doubts. It was the day I realised that my God was nothing more than an erring man.

From then on the dormant seed of doubt which had laid quiet under my blanket of childish ignorance seem to germinate with a burst of fury. A sense of rebellion had engulfed me. Everything that my God told me was to be treated with suspicion. Life seemed miserable but I could not escape from it. It had taken complete control over me. But the same conscience that once questioned my faith also made it clear how I really felt about my father. I knew I loved him more than any other man.

As I grew and neared the end of my teens, the concept of a super human dad was much clearer. There was no such thing! It felt bad but truth, they say, is always difficult to acknowledge. I have realized that most men try to do their best as fathers. Some succeed and some don’t. If I ever had a choice of changing any event between me and my father, I would let it pass without a single thought.

But answers to problems are nothing more than new problems. The question which now comes to my mind is that if there is no super human dads then what happens to me? Will my kids go through the same things? Or is there something that can be done to avoid it? What if I start telling my kids right from the beginning that I am just a normal human being. Will it make sense to them? But then again it was not my dad’s fault that I thought him as God. He never told me to worship him. It was I who assigned him a position. So does that mean I have no control over how my kids deal with it? Who’s to be blamed for God’s downfall? God himself or the worshipers who expect too much of him?

The questions remain unanswered but I guess time answers all. For now I have an answer. I have lost my God but I have found the better man who I want to be. He’s just my Dad.

Panchgani


I try to leave town during the year end. Its this weird idea I have developed that if I do that, then I have a great action packed year. Fortunately its been true for the past 3 years. So I shall continue with the tradition.

The 2008 year end was an interesting one. That was the last time the 3 Stooges went out together. It was one of those rare occasions when I was taking the initiative while the other 2 were cribbing and being major pain! Usually it was always the other way round. Nicholas would plan something, Sameer would agree and I would crib and crib till they forced me to join them. It was crazy. I kept trying to organize the trip, but we were just not able to decide on the days that would be convenient for all of us. We each had our limitations. I wanted to get back on the 31st so that I could spend the New Year with my family. Sameer had his issues and Nicholas had his.

Anyways somehow we managed and it was decided that Nickso and myself would leave for panchgani on the 29th of December night and Sameer would join us on the 30th. We would then be returning on the 31st. We had also thought of going to Mahabaleshwar but then that got cancelled for reasons mentioned below.

We reached at a really odd hour the next morning (it was more like night) at Panchgani. We were sleepy and it was cold! We hunted for a place and somehow managed to get a hotel. We had made plans to see some place at sunrise but once we hit the bed, nothing else mattered. When we got up, we realized that we couldn't survive there for a single hour. The place was "YUCK!" and there were bed bugs. So we decided that we needed to find some other good place. I am not sure why but we had actually budgeted our trip. Anyways we hunted around for another hotel and then we chanced upon Mount View Hotel. It was just awesome! An old house with a fantastic view. Just the perfect place for 3 friends to catch up on life.


We walked around Panchgani enjoying the weather and the sights and sound. Reminded us of our trip to Sikkim. Sameer joined us in the afternoon and we ended up eating the "Laal Dabba Chinese", remembering our college day chinese dinners. :D We then went to a place called Table Top, which is basically a huge flat area on the top of the Panchgani hill.
Obviously we took one of the usually not take routes and ended trekking up to the place. Really nice place to get a panaromic view of the surrounding hills, lakes and the city.
By the time we came down, it was almost dark. We roamed around in the town for a while and then headed back to the hotel. Played a lot of Table Tennis, arranged for a camp-fire that we hand planned for the night and then headed out for dinner. Came back after dinner and made ourselves a cozy little fire and then we started chatting. No idea how long we chatted but it covered a lot of areas.
Just like our days in the fourth year of Engineering when we would go for dinner to Bahadur Sheikh naka and then walk down to a nearby bridge and then spend an hour talking about everything under the sun. The warm fire in the cold night really felt very good.

The next morning we went around investigating the surrounding areas and ended up modeling quite a bit :) Pretty impressed with the outcome. Well the problem that came up was that we wanted to get back but Nicholas kept insisting that he wanted to stay. He wanted us to stay back too. The reasons became apparent later on that year but we each had our prior commitments. But we were both glad that he had a very interesting New Year that night :). So in our own ways we all got what we wanted.


I guess that's how things are. Its all alright at the end :)

Friday, June 18, 2010

Shades of Gray

Was an extremely boring day. Extremely!!! Let me just put down a few lines that hit me early in the morning today.

You see the stars, I see the light of day,
both on course, in our own silly way,
I see it black, its white you say,
maybe its neither, but just shades of gray


Writing everyday, no matter what, has actually improved my thought process I think. I feel as if a little of my old self is coming back :) Next assignment is to restart painting.

I think I can extend upon the above 4 lines, but just don't feel like thinking right now.

Now here's an observation that I have recently made. Well actually I have cribbed about it earlier too but my dear friends are a useless lot and have conveniently ignored my pleas. I haven't seen this habit in guys, its mostly girls who are this psychotic. A lot of guys are not good with dates. There are exceptions and I know a few of them (bloody pain in the ass) but generally we tend to forget. It's a big issue for me. I forget dates and at times even names. I could be introducing someone without the slightest idea of what his/her name is. I would be, "... and this is... this is.... ummm... this is....". By the third "this is", the person mostly introduces himself/herself after giving me a you-stupid-ass look. :P

A few of my friends purposely remove their date of births from all the community sites so that they can
1. Crib if someone forgets (Me and I am sure there are more)
2. Threaten with all the girly manipulative ways
3. Gain sadistic pleasure out of my misery

Man! I mean is it so important to remember the dates? Is it? Well maybe it is but come on! Well I know I am just shouting it out and hitting my head on the wall but it's seriously painful. I guess I probably need to store the following details :
1. Date of Birth
2. Anniversary (Since a lot of them are getting married now)
3. Spouse's Name (I am so glad that a few friends understand that it is not always possible to remember the spouse's name)
4. Kid's names (once they start having them)

I think I should start practicing this asap.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Daughters

It has been raining for the past 3 days. Just continuous rain with awesome wind. Do I like it? No, not really. Getting wet when I want to get wet is a different thing. But getting wet while going to work or returning is not the most wonderful feeling. And sitting in wet clothes is pathetic. Anyways we need the rain, Bombay needs all the rain that it can get, so that we don't run out of water 6 months down the lane.

I don't really feel like writing too much. Just too bloody sleepy. Did a leg workout after more than 2 months. Its already aching. I am dreading the thought of tomorrow cause the real pain comes after 12 - 18 hours. So what I am gonna do is take the easy way out and note down another great song.

Its a song called "Daughters" by John Mayer. Really an awesome song.

I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
But she's just like a maze
Where all of the walls continually change
And I've done all I can
To stand on her steps with my heart in my hands
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe it's got nothing to do with me

Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Oh, you see that skin?
It's the same she's been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now I'm left
Cleaning up the mess he made

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Boys, you can break
You'll find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong
And boys soldier on
But boys would be gone without the warmth from
A woman's good, good heart

On behalf of every man
Looking out for every girl
You are the guide and the weight of her world

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

I find this song extremely deep and meaningful. I don't know how many girls would connect to this song but I think a father does play a major role in a girl's life and her outlook towards other men. The mother is just as important. A girl does grow up to be like her mother, no matter how much she claims she isn't. And I do believe at times its not about what more the guy can do but its more about what it is that the girl wants. Its never easy trying to understand what a girl feels but I guess at times its best to be silent, patiently listen and wait. Its probably not how to solve a problem that a girl looks for, rather helping her realize that she can solve it.

But then again, I must be wrong... I am not an expert :)