Today was an interesting day :) Observation of the day:
There are times when you want something and you would do anything for it. And at such times, you never realize when your focus on getting it turns into fear of not getting it. In the beginning you are all hopeful about how nice it would be to have it and then as time progresses, before you realize it, you are so afraid of losing what you don't have (messing up such that you don't get it) that your focus changes from getting it, to not losing it (which actually you never had). The outcome is inevitable. You don't get it to lose it.
The case is worse when you are not in a bargaining position or you feel you aren't in one. Then it becomes more difficult. And then when you approach the same situation from a different perspective, things turn out way different. What I mean is when you are not approaching it with the fear of not getting it you are more in your natural element and you don't botch up things. As a result, you end up getting it.
Bottom line I think is to be just "be bindaas! Hai hi nahi to na hone ka kya :D" And then the wheels will turn to help you get that you don't have and keep that you do.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Saturday, June 19, 2010
My God was just a Man
*This is a long post.
I am really blue about my dance practice. :( And I can't stop cribbing about it. I feel like head butting with the wall. Anyways no point in fretting over that. Tomorrow's Father's Day. The feeling about the concept is very similar to Mother's Day. I am not comfortable expressing what I feel to my parents, more so, when Dad is concerned. I'll talk about how a relationship between a father and son changes over time. It's again my take on it but I think it's more or less same with all guys. I had once written a piece about my relationship with my Dad, somewhere in college. It was a weird phase. Growing up is weird I guess. :) Recently found it. I retouched it a bit and put it up tonight. I am pretty positive that he'll never know about it. So that makes me comfortable.
I am really blue about my dance practice. :( And I can't stop cribbing about it. I feel like head butting with the wall. Anyways no point in fretting over that. Tomorrow's Father's Day. The feeling about the concept is very similar to Mother's Day. I am not comfortable expressing what I feel to my parents, more so, when Dad is concerned. I'll talk about how a relationship between a father and son changes over time. It's again my take on it but I think it's more or less same with all guys. I had once written a piece about my relationship with my Dad, somewhere in college. It was a weird phase. Growing up is weird I guess. :) Recently found it. I retouched it a bit and put it up tonight. I am pretty positive that he'll never know about it. So that makes me comfortable.
It's a rather typical behaviour of human beings to depend on a higher power. A powerful being on whom one can depend, who can be blamed when things go wrong, who can give you hope when nothing seems to be going right. Everyone has their own God to trouble. I had one too and to a certain extent He still stands behind me supporting me as I walk on in life and pulls me out of the occasional ditches which unseeingly, I walk right into. He is not an immortal, ten limbed, four headed, tiger riding creature but just a normal God fearing, man. He's just my dad.
From the day the word "Father" made sense to me, I have been an avid fan of his. He was my Hero, the all knowing, omnipotent man. Everything he told me was a new amazing fact, a rule to be followed, a truth that cannot be doubted. He was the coolest guy in the crowd, the best of the lot. He was the one whom I ran to when my Mom would not listen, who would play to all my whims and childish fantasies, who would make sure I got my “Tintin” and “Famous Five” every month.
But then life wouldn’t be so interesting if things were so simple and happy. Education and life seem to gang up against me and teach me some bitter truths of life. The day came when I started making decisions and accepting facts based on what was right and what was wrong (the day I discovered my conscience). A trivial incident of accidentally reading my dad’s speech turned my world upside down. I realized that the speech which my dad was supposed to give the next day had mistakes in it. But how could that be? He never makes mistakes. All these years, there was no one who could speak better english than my dad. Then how did he make such mistakes? I couldn’t believe it but the mistakes stared at me from the white sheet, mocking my belief. Strange questions started troubling me. Had he always been making mistakes? All these years of blind faith that I had in him, was it all a mistake? My life seemed to be in a turmoil. My faith was being questioned by a jury of faceless doubts. It was the day I realised that my God was nothing more than an erring man.
From then on the dormant seed of doubt which had laid quiet under my blanket of childish ignorance seem to germinate with a burst of fury. A sense of rebellion had engulfed me. Everything that my God told me was to be treated with suspicion. Life seemed miserable but I could not escape from it. It had taken complete control over me. But the same conscience that once questioned my faith also made it clear how I really felt about my father. I knew I loved him more than any other man.
As I grew and neared the end of my teens, the concept of a super human dad was much clearer. There was no such thing! It felt bad but truth, they say, is always difficult to acknowledge. I have realized that most men try to do their best as fathers. Some succeed and some don’t. If I ever had a choice of changing any event between me and my father, I would let it pass without a single thought.
But answers to problems are nothing more than new problems. The question which now comes to my mind is that if there is no super human dads then what happens to me? Will my kids go through the same things? Or is there something that can be done to avoid it? What if I start telling my kids right from the beginning that I am just a normal human being. Will it make sense to them? But then again it was not my dad’s fault that I thought him as God. He never told me to worship him. It was I who assigned him a position. So does that mean I have no control over how my kids deal with it? Who’s to be blamed for God’s downfall? God himself or the worshipers who expect too much of him?
The questions remain unanswered but I guess time answers all. For now I have an answer. I have lost my God but I have found the better man who I want to be. He’s just my Dad.
From the day the word "Father" made sense to me, I have been an avid fan of his. He was my Hero, the all knowing, omnipotent man. Everything he told me was a new amazing fact, a rule to be followed, a truth that cannot be doubted. He was the coolest guy in the crowd, the best of the lot. He was the one whom I ran to when my Mom would not listen, who would play to all my whims and childish fantasies, who would make sure I got my “Tintin” and “Famous Five” every month.
But then life wouldn’t be so interesting if things were so simple and happy. Education and life seem to gang up against me and teach me some bitter truths of life. The day came when I started making decisions and accepting facts based on what was right and what was wrong (the day I discovered my conscience). A trivial incident of accidentally reading my dad’s speech turned my world upside down. I realized that the speech which my dad was supposed to give the next day had mistakes in it. But how could that be? He never makes mistakes. All these years, there was no one who could speak better english than my dad. Then how did he make such mistakes? I couldn’t believe it but the mistakes stared at me from the white sheet, mocking my belief. Strange questions started troubling me. Had he always been making mistakes? All these years of blind faith that I had in him, was it all a mistake? My life seemed to be in a turmoil. My faith was being questioned by a jury of faceless doubts. It was the day I realised that my God was nothing more than an erring man.
From then on the dormant seed of doubt which had laid quiet under my blanket of childish ignorance seem to germinate with a burst of fury. A sense of rebellion had engulfed me. Everything that my God told me was to be treated with suspicion. Life seemed miserable but I could not escape from it. It had taken complete control over me. But the same conscience that once questioned my faith also made it clear how I really felt about my father. I knew I loved him more than any other man.
As I grew and neared the end of my teens, the concept of a super human dad was much clearer. There was no such thing! It felt bad but truth, they say, is always difficult to acknowledge. I have realized that most men try to do their best as fathers. Some succeed and some don’t. If I ever had a choice of changing any event between me and my father, I would let it pass without a single thought.
But answers to problems are nothing more than new problems. The question which now comes to my mind is that if there is no super human dads then what happens to me? Will my kids go through the same things? Or is there something that can be done to avoid it? What if I start telling my kids right from the beginning that I am just a normal human being. Will it make sense to them? But then again it was not my dad’s fault that I thought him as God. He never told me to worship him. It was I who assigned him a position. So does that mean I have no control over how my kids deal with it? Who’s to be blamed for God’s downfall? God himself or the worshipers who expect too much of him?
The questions remain unanswered but I guess time answers all. For now I have an answer. I have lost my God but I have found the better man who I want to be. He’s just my Dad.
Panchgani
I try to leave town during the year end. Its this weird idea I have developed that if I do that, then I have a great action packed year. Fortunately its been true for the past 3 years. So I shall continue with the tradition.
The 2008 year end was an interesting one. That was the last time the 3 Stooges went out together. It was one of those rare occasions when I was taking the initiative while the other 2 were cribbing and being major pain! Usually it was always the other way round. Nicholas would plan something, Sameer would agree and I would crib and crib till they forced me to join them. It was crazy. I kept trying to organize the trip, but we were just not able to decide on the days that would be convenient for all of us. We each had our limitations. I wanted to get back on the 31st so that I could spend the New Year with my family. Sameer had his issues and Nicholas had his.
Anyways somehow we managed and it was decided that Nickso and myself would leave for panchgani on the 29th of December night and Sameer would join us on the 30th. We would then be returning on the 31st. We had also thought of going to Mahabaleshwar but then that got cancelled for reasons mentioned below.
We reached at a really odd hour the next morning (it was more like night) at Panchgani. We were sleepy and it was cold! We hunted for a place and somehow managed to get a hotel. We had made plans to see some place at sunrise but once we hit the bed, nothing else mattered. When we got up, we realized that we couldn't survive there for a single hour. The place was "YUCK!" and there were bed bugs. So we decided that we needed to find some other good place. I am not sure why but we had actually budgeted our trip. Anyways we hunted around for another hotel and then we chanced upon Mount View Hotel. It was just awesome! An old house with a fantastic view. Just the perfect place for 3 friends to catch up on life.
We walked around Panchgani enjoying the weather and the sights and sound. Reminded us of our trip to Sikkim. Sameer joined us in the afternoon and we ended up eating the "Laal Dabba Chinese", remembering our college day chinese dinners. :D We then went to a place called Table Top, which is basically a huge flat area on the top of the Panchgani hill.
Obviously we took one of the usually not take routes and ended trekking up to the place. Really nice place to get a panaromic view of the surrounding hills, lakes and the city.
I guess that's how things are. Its all alright at the end :)
Friday, June 18, 2010
Shades of Gray
Was an extremely boring day. Extremely!!! Let me just put down a few lines that hit me early in the morning today.
You see the stars, I see the light of day,
both on course, in our own silly way,
I see it black, its white you say,
maybe its neither, but just shades of gray
Writing everyday, no matter what, has actually improved my thought process I think. I feel as if a little of my old self is coming back :) Next assignment is to restart painting.
I think I can extend upon the above 4 lines, but just don't feel like thinking right now.
Now here's an observation that I have recently made. Well actually I have cribbed about it earlier too but my dear friends are a useless lot and have conveniently ignored my pleas. I haven't seen this habit in guys, its mostly girls who are this psychotic. A lot of guys are not good with dates. There are exceptions and I know a few of them (bloody pain in the ass) but generally we tend to forget. It's a big issue for me. I forget dates and at times even names. I could be introducing someone without the slightest idea of what his/her name is. I would be, "... and this is... this is.... ummm... this is....". By the third "this is", the person mostly introduces himself/herself after giving me a you-stupid-ass look. :P
A few of my friends purposely remove their date of births from all the community sites so that they can
1. Crib if someone forgets (Me and I am sure there are more)
2. Threaten with all the girly manipulative ways
3. Gain sadistic pleasure out of my misery
Man! I mean is it so important to remember the dates? Is it? Well maybe it is but come on! Well I know I am just shouting it out and hitting my head on the wall but it's seriously painful. I guess I probably need to store the following details :
1. Date of Birth
2. Anniversary (Since a lot of them are getting married now)
3. Spouse's Name (I am so glad that a few friends understand that it is not always possible to remember the spouse's name)
4. Kid's names (once they start having them)
I think I should start practicing this asap.
You see the stars, I see the light of day,
both on course, in our own silly way,
I see it black, its white you say,
maybe its neither, but just shades of gray
Writing everyday, no matter what, has actually improved my thought process I think. I feel as if a little of my old self is coming back :) Next assignment is to restart painting.
I think I can extend upon the above 4 lines, but just don't feel like thinking right now.
Now here's an observation that I have recently made. Well actually I have cribbed about it earlier too but my dear friends are a useless lot and have conveniently ignored my pleas. I haven't seen this habit in guys, its mostly girls who are this psychotic. A lot of guys are not good with dates. There are exceptions and I know a few of them (bloody pain in the ass) but generally we tend to forget. It's a big issue for me. I forget dates and at times even names. I could be introducing someone without the slightest idea of what his/her name is. I would be, "... and this is... this is.... ummm... this is....". By the third "this is", the person mostly introduces himself/herself after giving me a you-stupid-ass look. :P
A few of my friends purposely remove their date of births from all the community sites so that they can
1. Crib if someone forgets (Me and I am sure there are more)
2. Threaten with all the girly manipulative ways
3. Gain sadistic pleasure out of my misery
Man! I mean is it so important to remember the dates? Is it? Well maybe it is but come on! Well I know I am just shouting it out and hitting my head on the wall but it's seriously painful. I guess I probably need to store the following details :
1. Date of Birth
2. Anniversary (Since a lot of them are getting married now)
3. Spouse's Name (I am so glad that a few friends understand that it is not always possible to remember the spouse's name)
4. Kid's names (once they start having them)
I think I should start practicing this asap.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Daughters
It has been raining for the past 3 days. Just continuous rain with awesome wind. Do I like it? No, not really. Getting wet when I want to get wet is a different thing. But getting wet while going to work or returning is not the most wonderful feeling. And sitting in wet clothes is pathetic. Anyways we need the rain, Bombay needs all the rain that it can get, so that we don't run out of water 6 months down the lane.
I don't really feel like writing too much. Just too bloody sleepy. Did a leg workout after more than 2 months. Its already aching. I am dreading the thought of tomorrow cause the real pain comes after 12 - 18 hours. So what I am gonna do is take the easy way out and note down another great song.
Its a song called "Daughters" by John Mayer. Really an awesome song.
I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
But she's just like a maze
Where all of the walls continually change
And I've done all I can
To stand on her steps with my heart in my hands
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe it's got nothing to do with me
Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too
Oh, you see that skin?
It's the same she's been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now I'm left
Cleaning up the mess he made
So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too
Boys, you can break
You'll find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong
And boys soldier on
But boys would be gone without the warmth from
A woman's good, good heart
On behalf of every man
Looking out for every girl
You are the guide and the weight of her world
So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too
I find this song extremely deep and meaningful. I don't know how many girls would connect to this song but I think a father does play a major role in a girl's life and her outlook towards other men. The mother is just as important. A girl does grow up to be like her mother, no matter how much she claims she isn't. And I do believe at times its not about what more the guy can do but its more about what it is that the girl wants. Its never easy trying to understand what a girl feels but I guess at times its best to be silent, patiently listen and wait. Its probably not how to solve a problem that a girl looks for, rather helping her realize that she can solve it.
But then again, I must be wrong... I am not an expert :)
I don't really feel like writing too much. Just too bloody sleepy. Did a leg workout after more than 2 months. Its already aching. I am dreading the thought of tomorrow cause the real pain comes after 12 - 18 hours. So what I am gonna do is take the easy way out and note down another great song.
Its a song called "Daughters" by John Mayer. Really an awesome song.
I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
But she's just like a maze
Where all of the walls continually change
And I've done all I can
To stand on her steps with my heart in my hands
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe it's got nothing to do with me
Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too
Oh, you see that skin?
It's the same she's been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now I'm left
Cleaning up the mess he made
So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too
Boys, you can break
You'll find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong
And boys soldier on
But boys would be gone without the warmth from
A woman's good, good heart
On behalf of every man
Looking out for every girl
You are the guide and the weight of her world
So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too
I find this song extremely deep and meaningful. I don't know how many girls would connect to this song but I think a father does play a major role in a girl's life and her outlook towards other men. The mother is just as important. A girl does grow up to be like her mother, no matter how much she claims she isn't. And I do believe at times its not about what more the guy can do but its more about what it is that the girl wants. Its never easy trying to understand what a girl feels but I guess at times its best to be silent, patiently listen and wait. Its probably not how to solve a problem that a girl looks for, rather helping her realize that she can solve it.
But then again, I must be wrong... I am not an expert :)
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Sense of direction or the lack of it
Some men pride themselves for their sense of direction, some are so proud that they would probably put it on their visiting cards and then there are those who just rely on google maps/wikimapia and modern technology. I belong to the last category. To tell you the truth I have very poor sense of direction. It takes me at least 4 - 5 trips before I am remotely aware of the area that I am in. No wait! I would be lying if I said that. I would actually require 10 - 15 trips before I am confident about my way. Cities confuse me. I lose my sense of direction. The streets look same, landmarks keep changing, total mess. And then there are those million traffic rules (which of course no one follows in India... I try to and fail miserably)
Women on the other hand usually don't harp about their sense of direction, though they are generally pretty good at it. They also have a habit of asking for directions when they sense that something doesn't seem right. Men, I guess are not comfortable doing so. I too am a little uncomfortable asking for directions. When alone, I have spent a lot of time driving/roaming all over the place, expecting to find the destination miraculously, in spite of the fact that I know I have no clue as to where I am. But usually, I end up asking for directions sooner or later.
My Dad on the other hand has a weird way of asking for directions. He does everything possible to get us lost. Firstly, he'll not ask for directions properly on the phone before leaving home. He basically looks out for the closest place he knows, when directions are being given and then completely filters out the rest of the information. On reaching the place, he is clueless and his standard dialogue is, "Yahan se aagey kuch to bola tha!". He'll then conveniently blame me for not being responsible enough to hear the directions. Anyways, to maintain "peace and harmony", my usual response is, "Hmmm...". We then stop and ask for directions. After a lot of , "haan! achcha to aagey jaake left", "ok! aagey se right kya?", "kya? 2 signal chodke teesre pe right?", he'll turn to me and say, "Kuch nahi samjha kya bola, tu seedha chal!"
Me, on the other hand, is a directionless fool on a different level. I am not comfortable going to a new place before finding out each and every turn and corner on the internet. If I haven't done research, I am usually very restless, irritable and basically a pain. Ask me to take you to a place I know and you'll mostly reach without any problems. Sitting beside me and directing me is not an easy job either. Very few people have successfully done it. You cannot tell me to take a turn when we are at the turn. I must be informed at least a 100 metres ahead. Statements such as, "We should have taken that turn" after crossing the turn is a definite no - no! It is more difficult driving with women sitting beside because they cannot make up their minds. I don't like that. Decide first and then tell me. I do not have an "Undo" button while driving.
The worst thing that I have done as far as going off-direction is concerned, was when Nicholas dropped me off at VT (I prefer calling it that than CST) at the platform and then I took a wrong train. I was to take the train to Belapur (BR), instead I got on a Bandra (B) local, thinking that it was a typo :P.
Strangely, I am a lot more in sync with my location when I am in nature. I have never got lost in any of the hill stations, be it during treks or any other activity. I somehow manage to get back on track in nature :) There is a possibility that I may have not been rigorously tested in nature. Who knows?
Women on the other hand usually don't harp about their sense of direction, though they are generally pretty good at it. They also have a habit of asking for directions when they sense that something doesn't seem right. Men, I guess are not comfortable doing so. I too am a little uncomfortable asking for directions. When alone, I have spent a lot of time driving/roaming all over the place, expecting to find the destination miraculously, in spite of the fact that I know I have no clue as to where I am. But usually, I end up asking for directions sooner or later.
My Dad on the other hand has a weird way of asking for directions. He does everything possible to get us lost. Firstly, he'll not ask for directions properly on the phone before leaving home. He basically looks out for the closest place he knows, when directions are being given and then completely filters out the rest of the information. On reaching the place, he is clueless and his standard dialogue is, "Yahan se aagey kuch to bola tha!". He'll then conveniently blame me for not being responsible enough to hear the directions. Anyways, to maintain "peace and harmony", my usual response is, "Hmmm...". We then stop and ask for directions. After a lot of , "haan! achcha to aagey jaake left", "ok! aagey se right kya?", "kya? 2 signal chodke teesre pe right?", he'll turn to me and say, "Kuch nahi samjha kya bola, tu seedha chal!"
Me, on the other hand, is a directionless fool on a different level. I am not comfortable going to a new place before finding out each and every turn and corner on the internet. If I haven't done research, I am usually very restless, irritable and basically a pain. Ask me to take you to a place I know and you'll mostly reach without any problems. Sitting beside me and directing me is not an easy job either. Very few people have successfully done it. You cannot tell me to take a turn when we are at the turn. I must be informed at least a 100 metres ahead. Statements such as, "We should have taken that turn" after crossing the turn is a definite no - no! It is more difficult driving with women sitting beside because they cannot make up their minds. I don't like that. Decide first and then tell me. I do not have an "Undo" button while driving.
The worst thing that I have done as far as going off-direction is concerned, was when Nicholas dropped me off at VT (I prefer calling it that than CST) at the platform and then I took a wrong train. I was to take the train to Belapur (BR), instead I got on a Bandra (B) local, thinking that it was a typo :P.
Strangely, I am a lot more in sync with my location when I am in nature. I have never got lost in any of the hill stations, be it during treks or any other activity. I somehow manage to get back on track in nature :) There is a possibility that I may have not been rigorously tested in nature. Who knows?
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
I have been reading, rather, I have been gulping it down. There have always been questions whose answers were left unanswered. There have been incidents which have not made sense. Which seemed pointless, a waste of time. I feel a little satiated now with this new knowledge I have found. I still do not believe in it yet but it has intrigued me. Let's just say that a lot of things have happened in the past few months quite unrelated to each other and yet all pointing towards the same direction.
I still do not know what I am to deduce from it all. Where it is that I am headed and yet I know that there is a destination ahead. I am not sure what I would find there but I know that all these questions that have been swirling in my head all my life will be answered. At least I believe so. But everything is hazy, there isn't a concrete picture forming. As the days go by and I experience newer things, this haziness seems to be clearing and yet it remains veiled. It is as if the more I find out about it, the lesser I know, and the lesser I know, the more I want to know.
I have already asked the questions. I do not know if they are correct. You cannot hope to be answered if you do not ask the right questions. But, the connections are inevitable and I guess undeniable. Am I being unscientific? Has not my education taught me to question everything? Am I being open minded or just seeing a pattern in the chaos, simply because I choose to and I am hunting for an answer. How do I again settle the conflict between logic and belief? Because my new beliefs are not proven to me scientifically and yet they seem very believable. As if I always knew something similar existed and yet had to be reminded of the details. The journey is interesting and yet confusing. Doubts lurk in each and every corner.
But it all comes down to one single thing, the big picture. Who paints it still remains a mystery. Or do we each have our own painting to be drawn or do we find people so that we can help each other finish it? Is it a collective or a personal? Maybe we are all headed towards the same place, just following our own chosen paths. And on the way we cross others, with whom we exchange notes about out journey. We try to convince some to join our paths but each must follow his own. At the end I believe we all meet again.
I still do not know what I am to deduce from it all. Where it is that I am headed and yet I know that there is a destination ahead. I am not sure what I would find there but I know that all these questions that have been swirling in my head all my life will be answered. At least I believe so. But everything is hazy, there isn't a concrete picture forming. As the days go by and I experience newer things, this haziness seems to be clearing and yet it remains veiled. It is as if the more I find out about it, the lesser I know, and the lesser I know, the more I want to know.
I have already asked the questions. I do not know if they are correct. You cannot hope to be answered if you do not ask the right questions. But, the connections are inevitable and I guess undeniable. Am I being unscientific? Has not my education taught me to question everything? Am I being open minded or just seeing a pattern in the chaos, simply because I choose to and I am hunting for an answer. How do I again settle the conflict between logic and belief? Because my new beliefs are not proven to me scientifically and yet they seem very believable. As if I always knew something similar existed and yet had to be reminded of the details. The journey is interesting and yet confusing. Doubts lurk in each and every corner.
But it all comes down to one single thing, the big picture. Who paints it still remains a mystery. Or do we each have our own painting to be drawn or do we find people so that we can help each other finish it? Is it a collective or a personal? Maybe we are all headed towards the same place, just following our own chosen paths. And on the way we cross others, with whom we exchange notes about out journey. We try to convince some to join our paths but each must follow his own. At the end I believe we all meet again.
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