The First Night

No Chemical Locha tonight. Just not in a mood for any gibberish. As I had told earlier, I have had an awesome time in college. The 3 Stooges had always been together since day one. I'll just introduce the guys tonight, actually I don't know whether they will pool in money to get me killed once I am done but what can I say, these are stories that just needs to be recorded in some form or other. I'll try to keep the names secret while sharing some (umm....) embarrassing stuff but then again they weren't really embarrassing when they happened.

The year 2000 was probably the worst for students in Maharashtra applying for Engineering. There were thousands of students applying, the authorities had no clue as to what they were doing and the Mumbai University (MU) top brass was going cuckoo with their plans to increase seats. I think a lot of students spent the first year hoping that seats would increase and they would leave the god-foresaken college that they had foolishly joined under the pretext of joining a Mumbai University College. But then we were from a category, which was basically hopeless. Its the fabled OMS (Out of Maharashtra State) category. The OMS students basically get all the left-over seats after all the students of Maharashtra got some sort of a seat.

As is the trend, MU always runs late. By the time we joined college it was just a couple of months before the first semester examinations began. I came from Hyderabad, cause Dad was working there and that's where I had completed my class 12. I was the first guy in the room (26) and I had come in with just a suitcase. The first day I had reached there, I was shit scared. The place seemed pathetic. It was near a village called Aloré (ya it has that é). Chiplun city was quite a few kilometres away.

The thing I was really scared of was the ragging part. I have spent my younger years in a PG with lots of kids, so I wasn't really bothered about living alone. But ragging was something that I had no idea about. My Dad thought it would be a good idea that I stayed with him at the hotel on the first night and wait for the other students who were expected to come the next day. The problem with that was I was just pushing the inevitable. I knew I had to face my fears (seniors :P) that day or the next. So in spite of the fact that I had no bed, mattress or pillows, I opted to stay back in the hostel room. I had the stupid idea that I would be able to acquaint myself better alone.  A few guys I had befriended on the first day thought I was crazy (guys from room number 9 I think, I shall introduce them later) to miss out on Shalom (the hotel where Dad had put up) and spend the night alone in that state. I later realized that one of the guys was actually scared of staying alone in the night in a room, hehehehe!

Anyways I wanted to keep things quiet. The seniors were already sniffing around for juniors. They had heard that the last round of admissions had completed and students were coming in. Well I think I had switched of everything by 9 that night and was trying to convince myself not to show any sort of disappointment cause if I did, my Dad would have immediately taken me away. (He was pretty pissed off with the college on the first day itself). Not that I didn't want to run away myself, but it was my decision to join a MU college right from the beginning, though I wanted to join Computer Engg (another story) and not Electronics.

I think it was around 11 or so, there was a loud knock. I knew that my time was up :) And I also knew that resisting would just delay the process and make it more difficult. So opened the door and saw a bunch of guys standing outside. Asked me a few questions, realized that I had just arrived and probably felt pity to see the sorry state I was sleeping in (A bed-sheet on the floor with my bag as a pillow). Told me that they would be back again. My heart was racing the whole time but I was pretty happy with the turn of events on the first night. I had no more disturbances that night. The next night though was a different story all together... :D

Chemical Locha

I didn't realize how the day just zoomed by. Was super busy the whole day but when I think of writing what I did, I really can't think of much. Got a big bug out of ViewZ. Worked more on the PMP and URF. Ya I know, it doesn't make sense, but I am just noting them down, so you can skip this part.

The range of feelings that I felt today was unrealistic, I surprised myself too at times and now I am in a state of void. Its probably Enigma in the background that has led to this situation :) I gave it a lot of thought. But I think repeating the same mistake twice is nothing but foolishness. And I also know that I'll think the complete opposite of what I have decided today and it'll seem logical too. Basically, I think I am screwed for sometime to come. A sense of numbness sets in at times, a feel of losing control, but then what am i really losing? How can it be so difficult to control one's own brain? End of the day scientifically speaking that's all there is. "Chemical Locha" as shown in Munnabhai.

Its funny how nothing seems to clear up. I am contradicting myself every moment. I was so sure of everything just a few days back. And now suddenly, everything is swirling around - like a ball of confused cloud. There is just one thought I am still sure of but ironically that is the singular thought that needs to be destroyed. It is that whose destruction holds the key to the settling down of the rest.

It all must sound like a load of gibberish but thats how my thoughts are right now. A load of gibberish. And who is to be blamed for all of it? That's a million dollar question. And yet so simple. The self can create or destroy itself. But who control's the self. Why doesn't the "I" listen to me? How do I merge the "I" with myself? Because its damn difficult to make it walk the path I think it should in order to save itself from it's own destruction.

Shinni

It was a very lazy Sunday. Finally got time to work on the site. Was working all day yesterday on office stuff, so lagged behind on the site implementation. The main page design is almost finalized. Implemented a bit of it in html today. Since I had already decided the whole layout would be made using CSS, things are going a little slow, though I know that it'll be a boon later on. Experience gained while making the company's site is really helping. Also Suman's awesome work on CSS is also making life a lot easier. Though trying to get the same look and feel on Firefox and IE is a pain!

Went for "Satya Narayan" puja in the afternoon to a family friend's house. The usual junta was there, so ended up having a pretty good time. Now the highlight of the bengali satya-narayan puja is this thing called "shinni" (I think that's how it is spelt). Its basically a dish prepared to be offered to the deity. Its got a lot of stuff in it, milk, fruits, flour and god knows what all. But I swear it tastes awesome. I think most Bongs would vouch for it. We were bloody hungry by the time the puja got done, to the extent that we thought of suggesting that the priest be asked to fast-forward the process a bit. Anyways, we didn't do that and "shinni" came to the rescue. :P In other words, "Bhagwan ne hamari sun li!"

Was trying to write yesterday's poem for quite sometime. I had written the first part quite some time ago but was just not getting an ending to it. Yesterday, suddenly the light dawned on me and I realized that there is no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, and also provided me with an apt ending to The Nightingale. :)

There are times in life when you want to prove your beliefs, things and ideas that you believed since you were a child. Innocent, naive beliefs. You spend half your life trying to prove it and then one day you realize that maybe what you believed (where the idea came from in the first place is something worth wondering) was actually an illusion. Isn't your belief based upon your point of view? But then if the belief is wrong, is your point of view wrong too? Wouldn't that lead to the conclusion that all that you have judged, accepted and thought to be true is false? A logical thought process takes a yes for a yes and a no for a no. But what kind of thought process would want to make you believe otherwise? How does one handle a situation when logic and emotions conflict? Does logic always win? I have had many situations in life when I have been faced with this dilemma, I am yet to witness emotion's victory. And I have given it numerous opportunities, did all I could to help it, was partial to it, mistreated logic, to the extent that I almost disqualified logic. But logic came out winning every time. Every single time! Would drawing parallels to good over evil justified? Logic makes me feel less human but emotion has always made a fool out of me. Always.

The Nightingale

You've broken her so bad, you fuckin' fool
She hides behind her smiles and plays it cool

She thinks before she feels, no matter what I say
She's gathered her pieces, and hidden them away

Eyes of brown, myriad shades of life
How deep is this abyss? how deep do i dive?

You all have pushed her down, down so deep
She looks and searches, but me, she can't see

There's absolutely nothing, nothing more to do
Blame myself a bit, blame you a little too

We'll never know what could have been
A world of our own, a life I had seen

I love my life, I'll live it too
But she wouldn't be there, to see it through.

Just another day

Ahhh! The weekend! Can you imagine a life where you look forward to the week and then the weekend? Its blissful :) There is so much work and so much fun that needs to be done that there is hardly any time :) I plan to work some more this weekend though. Which means that might site work might get delayed! Shit! Had totally forgotten about that part. I need to allot sometime to that too or else it will never get done :( Atleast the blogging is happening. That's some achievement :P hahaha!

The rabbit hole runs deeper :) Got some good inputs at the TRC, will need to re-think the strategy based upon what was said. Some of my secret doubts did get reaffirmed today, so a better strategy needs to be worked out. A good idea about merging the UR phase and SR phase (keep them distinct but a fuzzy distinction).

Enough of work. I think my workoholic side just might resurface. Damn!

A thought just passed my mind as to whether I should now start thinking about a Masters Degree. Not a full time course (I would get bored silly) but a part-time thingy. I haven't fixed yet as to exactly what I would like to do. But now that I have a lot of knowledge about how a company runs and how management works, maybe I could start thinking about learning something formally. Would help in the work I am doing.

Anyways, really don't feel like writing anything too heavy today. I think I'll do some good blogging tomorrow instead :)

The 3 Stooges

I had a very good day today :) How should I put it? It was like a complete day. I got a lot of work done (writing documents is a killer activity!) , met up with Sameer for lunch after a long time, (at our favourite KFC. The zinger burgers are to die for) and practiced Salsa (we choreographed our own steps for the first time). There's really nothing that I could crib about today.

I am really excited about the Project Management thing happening at work. It would really feel nice if we can set an example with our project and apply it to all new projects. But that's a long way to go because a lot of things look good on paper but implementation is a bitch. Bhakti is doing an awesome work in customizing the existing ESA (European Space Agency) Project Management standards and guidelines. I have managed to get a preliminary introductory document in place to introduce the stuff to the management. Lets see if the Chairman will be impressed but then again it'll be sometime before it reaches him. I just hope I am not bothered with all the other activities at work (which is obviously not going to happen). I sometimes feel that I seriously need to get my job profile sorted out.

It's always fun talking with Sameer. I remember in college, Sameer, Nicholas and myself used to have these long discussions on various things in life such as ideologies, principles, girls, marriage, philosophy and sometimes studies too :). I miss hanging out with them. And it's sad that life has got us so entangled that in spite of being in the same city, it takes us 5 months of planning to finally meet up. Nicholas has gone down under and God knows when he'll come back. Australia is really not making me feel good at all. At the current situation, I have an extreme negative bias towards that country. Its a very personal issue of mine and I have nothing against the country except a few oblivious blokes. Ok, getting back to my meet with Sameer. We caught up over a zinger meal, gave me good advice as usual. Its amazing how different he is now compared to the first time that I saw him come into room number 26 (I think that was the number) in 2000. Nicholas and his Dad followed. The 3 of us were always together except in second year when we ended up being in different rooms. It was so damn tragic. Fortunately by the end of the 3rd semester we were back to being roomies (total jhol giri ofcourse! we were officially still in different rooms :P) Right from our first year, it was always the 3 of us with our fourth partner changing every year.

We have had such awesome times together. Right from trips to Guhagar to Sikkim, we have gone to a lot of places together and hope that there will be a lot more places to go to. I don't know why we started calling ourselves the 3 stooges, cause I don't ever remember doing anything similar to the actual 3 stooges but ya that's how we like to refer ourselves as. There are so many stories about college and us, that maybe I should just make a label of it and start putting in some of our awesome adventures once in a while :)

P.S. Had an awesome Salsa session today and actually did our own little choreography. I ought to write down the steps so that I don't forget. Also realized that I need a lot more practice cause I am still very stiff and I do not have the smoothness in the movements. Its still jerky :( . But ya atleast I remember the steps better.

Sleep walking

I am not sure where this weather is heading. I know that I shouldn't crib as I spend most of my time near an AC, but whatever little time I spend without it, is crazy! And the humidity is not helping at all. Well it is just fucked up and I have noticed plight germinates creativity in me. I am in a highly creative mode when I am either very happy, very sad or in general in one of my extreme moods. Well today's hot and humid weather led me to rewrite a poem which I think, almost all of us, at sometime or other have recited as a kid. Here's my take on it (Putting it here so that it doesn't get lost in the Facebook database)

Rain, Rain come today, 
Johnny's promised not to play, 
Save us from this heat I pray, 
Rain Rain come today!

Ya! I know its sorta sad but that's how frustrated I was :P and it looks way better as a status... hahahaha!

Sleep is another thing that I feel pretty sad about. I love to sleep. I just love it and it hurts me so to see myself not sleeping. More so, if you work out. During my initial gym days, I had read up a lot on how much rest is required and all that can be read about getting a lean, mean body. Apparently one needs 7-8 hours of continuous sleep for proper muscle growth. I sleep less than 6 hours a day (not counting the time when I am found splattered on my desk at work, usually after lunch) I can't complain right now cause I haven't been regular but on days I work out, I feel like dying when I have to get up in the morning the next day.

I discovered a huge trove of documents on Standards and Processes. It was like tripping into a gold mine! But I also realized that this business is like Alice in Wonderland's rabbit hole. You don't know how deep it goes until you jump in. I am still falling and I don't see any light at the end of the hole. :)

There are times in life when you don't know where you are headed but you keep going because you have this gut feeling that it'll lead you to a good place. There is absolutely no surety whatsoever but you just get a good feeling. Would you call yourself naive? The path isn't that great either. You get cut, you fall, you get disheartened, you get depressed, the pain gets unbearable and yet you keep walking. The only thing pulling you through are these instant flashes of what you perceive is at the end (a pot of gold). To make things worse, there is a rope dangling just above your head. All you got to do is pull it and you are out of all the misery, but you'll never know whether there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. What do you do at such times? How long are you willing to walk? All this misery that you go through, would you call them self-inflicted? And what would you tell yourself if you reached the end and found nothing but a poison ivy? Can you be strong enough to handle it? Or will you just wither away hopelessly never again to walk such a path, never again to trust your gut feeling, never again to hope. Is that how you mature?